


Sirius Black's Diary

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Erotica, Fluff, M/M, Mystery, Romance, Slash, The Quidditch Pitch: The Changing Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-13
Updated: 2005-11-12
Packaged: 2018-10-27 12:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10808628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Eighteen year-old Sirius Black starts a diary on New Year's Day,1978 in which he chronicles his growing and everchanging relationship with one Remus J Lupin.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: Had this idea in my head for a long time. I must have read Bridget Jones  


* * *

I received this empty journal as a Christmas present from my friend Lily. Being male, I didn’t know what to do with it. Everything that’s on my mind I usually just say out loud. A practice that has caused me much trouble in the past. So, I have decided to start a diary of sorts. To record the truth of what it means to be Sirius Black. I decided to start today, New Year’s Day to be exact.

New Year’s Resolutions:

1\. Will ignore Snivellus and resist the urge to hex him every time I see him. 

2\. Will score exceptionally well on my N.E.W.T.s and enter Auror training. 

3\. Will stop fake vomiting noise when I am around James and Lily. 

4\. Will try to read one book Remus has given me. 

5\. Will not fall asleep while reading said book, nor will I huff, whine, or complain about said book’s lack of anything remotely interesting. 

6\. Will admit to friends the discovery I made last year: I prefer the company of men as opposed to women. (okay, it’s actually only one male in particular, who happens to be one of my best mates and is most likely straight) 

7\. Will not bemoan my utterly fucked up romantic life; especially on that cursed holiday- Valentine’s Day. 

8\. Will learn to play the electric guitar. 

9\. Will buy a motorbike that I can work on.


	2. January

**January 1, 1978 3:00 pm**  
Am doing very well re: resolutions. Especially #1, but that’s not difficult seeing how I’m at my home and not at school where the temptation is too great. Would have had killer hangover if not for Lily and her wonderful potions skills. She’s no slouch in the charms department either. James, Lily, Remus, Peter, Frank, and Alice all came over last night, the first New Years in my own place. Of course they used that “first” excuse on Christmas too. Drinking me out of house and home... Not that I mind in the least. It’s lovely to live in a home full of joy; I never had that growing up.  
James and Lily have finally left. He’s going to meet her parents for the first time. Too bad about his hair, but I know there’s nothing he can do since it was born that way. Frank and Alice left around one; Peter left before I dragged my sorry ass out of bed. Which has left me and Remus to clean up. He’s sitting at the table revising for N.E.W.T.s, which aren’t for six months. I think he needs a break from all this work. Maybe if Padfoot begs, he’ll help me clean up the remnants of the party.

**7:27 pm**  
Remus has just left. Have realized that last night would have been a perfect time to fulfill resolution # 6. Everyone was drunk enough that they wouldn’t make a fuss, but not too drunk that they wouldn’t remember. Dinner was interesting. I got some Indian take-away for me and Remus. It was nice to spend some quiet time with him, just enjoying each other’s company. Then it happened, what will forever be known as “The Great Chicken Curry Incident.” We both reached for it at the same time and his hand brushed mine. There was an awkward “no, you first/no, you/ no, I insist” moment and I swear I saw him blush. Maybe I’m imagining things. Will have to owl Andromeda about this, my older, wiser, cool cousin. She’s like a mother to me; especially seeing how my own disowned me after I ran away. But can she really disown me? How can you disown someone who has already disowned your family by leaving? Anyway, will owl Andy and start packing for return to school. And will keep New Year’s resolutions.

**January 3, 1978 12:15 pm**  
On the train back to school. James is off snogging Lily, Peter’s asleep on the seat across form me, and Remus is in the Prefect’s compartment. Got a reply from Andy. She’s says I need to keep my eyes open for more signs; she said Re strikes her as the ultra polite type and could have been embarrassed about grabbing for the food. You know, he’s the total opposite of me, she said. Am very certain she was joking. Oh good, Remus is back. Is pleased to see that I have started a journal. Thinks it will help me keep my thoughts organized instead of running off on wild tangents. He’s just asked me if I am writing down everything he is saying. To which I reply, “of course.” To which he responds by sighing and shaking his head. He’s just sat next to me. Uh-oh. The smirk and the eyebrow. I’m in for it. Better challenge him to chess before he tries to grab this.

**11:?pm**  
Kind of hard to read my watch in dim lighting and under the influence of an entire bottle of Ogden’s Fire Whiskey. I’m on the third floor in a hidden alcove we need to add to the map. Snuck out after after supper to Hog’s Head, had a few shots of Vladimir’s Vodka. And have just finished bottle of whiskey. Why after after supper? Because a good two hours after supper James, Peter, Remus and I had the dorm to ourselves. James started it. Said I had been acting weird all break. Being quiet and stuff. Since when did James get so bloody insightful? Must be Lily’s doing. Why couldn’t he be thick like he always has been? Then Peter agreed with James so I decided no time like the present and told them. Yeah, there has been something I’m keeping from you for about a year or so now. I’m gay. Well, I didn’t go into detail, didn’t want to freak certain people out entirely. It got really quiet. Peter looked like he was in Potions class, James had his “I’m thinking” look, and Remus looked like he forgot how to breathe, was quiet, then excused himself and left the room. I haven’t seen him since. After Re left, I almost chewed James’ head off he was so quiet. Said something like: Do I revolt you too? Disgusted your best mate, your brother almost, is a poof? Which he denied calmly, hugged me, said he knew it had to be something like that because no ordinary heterosexual 18 year old male could continually resist the hoards of girls that throw themselves at me. He just made me promise that I wouldn’t jump him in the showers. He did laugh when he said that. Peter just agreed with James; he said if we don’t have any problems being friends with a werewolf, why would we have problems with you being gay? Then I blew up again because Remus seemed so disturbed. At some point Peter went outside to stand guard so I could have my rant with James. Hmm, I better get rid of this bottle and sneak back in. Am in no state to run into Filch. Just feel awful, bloody awful. And it’s not the alcohol.

 

**January 4, 1978 3:00 a.m.**  
Okay, maybe it is the alcohol. Made it back to Gryffindor tower unscathed. Crawled into bed. Everyone else already asleep. Re's hangings were drawn. I'm not gay, I'm Remusexual. *snicker* Have woken up with hangover already. Am trying to quietly brew a hangover potion. I need some mints too. Ugh. I am never getting this drunks again. Never never never. I feel so stupid. Potion is finally done. Some relief and then sleep. Classes start tomorrow. Shit.

**Lunchtime**  
Well, to say breakfast was awkward would be like saying giants are taller than humans. Remus sat as far away from me as possible and never made eye contact. And he kept fiddling with his silverware. He hardly ate anything. Same can be said for class. The fiddling and no eye contact. Of course, I came down to breakfast with my robes inside out and my hair doing a damn good impersonation of James'; I never did find those mints. Brushed my teeth three times though. Anyway, I'm sitting by myself at the end of the table having finished lunch. Doing my best impersonation of a mopey, lovestruck 13 year old girl. I'm sure that by supper my mood will have progressed to mopey, then to righteous indignation, finally moving to unbridled rage.... Oh that was good. Re just came up to me to "apologize" and stuck his foot in it worse than I usually do. He kept moving form foot to foot, never looking at me and said something like "sorry I, er, appeared to run out, but er, I mean, I wasn't running per se, and I, er, oh bother. I just can't talk to you about this right now." He again ran away; alright, walked briskly in the direction opposite where I am sitting. Appeared to run out? He flew out of the dorm last night; since when did werewolves have wings? And "oh bother?" Who says that? Apparently I have skipped righteous indignation and have moved into extreme outrage. Unbridled rage will come after transfiguration. Speaking of which, I better stop writing and get there now.

 

**January 7, 1978 Breakfast**  
Couldn't write the past couple of days. Between homework and serving detention for breaking resolution #1 (at least I made it to Tuesday) I haven't had time. At least Remus is back to making eye contact. But now he won't take a shower the same time James and I do. Like I'd jump him in there! Actually... No. If he wasn't so... No more Remus talk. It's just too frustrating. Grrr. Now he's looking at me but past me, if you know what I mean. Fine. I'll just stare at him through the remainder of breakfast and all our classes today. See how he likes it!

**10:00 a.m.**  
In H.o.M class. Boring as hell. Gave up staring because Peter said it looked like I was trying to will Remus dead. Maybe I was. Or maybe I should try seductively staring as opposed to death glare. Professor Binns is so boring, you'd think he'd be cool like Sir Nick. Binns is duller than watching flobberworms do whatever it is they do. Which, I conclude, is nothing. Now he's prattling on about extinct giant tribes. Come on, of course they're going extinct! The ministry forced all the giants to some remote "reservation" on the continent somewhere and they've been killing each other off since. It's why the giants side with Voldemort. He's promised them freedoms that they don't realize he has no intention of giving them. It's a sick world we're living in, but it has to get better. It will. I know it will. Almost got caught writing in here. Lils just passed me a note: "what's wrong? You look like someone stole your favourite chew toy." I told Prongs it was a bad idea telling her about our animagi forms. I wrote back: "Ask Remus." I wanted to write: "Ask the insufferably, close-minded prat" then I realized that could mean any number of people on my list. Lils' reply: "I'm asking you. Listen, I've a good ear and tight lip, if you catch my meaning." Sweet girl. Really sweet and upstanding. I am glad she caved and started dating James. She'll be good for him. Hell, I've already seen an improvement in him.

**8:30 p.m.**  
Bloody hell and damn it! Was looking for Lily after supper then Remus of all people went and absconded her. It's not that I can't talk to James; it's just asking a lot of him. He's okay with the gay thing, but I think saying: "James, I really want to shag Remus into the mattress or vice versa but I think he's repulsed by me; what should I do?" would give him a coronary, stroke, and shock-induced trauma. I don't think Peter would be quite helpful in this case. He rarely offers his own opinion on anything; he usually just agrees with James. Although, that's only on pranks, kitchen raids, homework, quidditch teams, okay pretty much everything. Finally! Lils is back; no Remus. I better get to her before James.

 

**January 14, 1978 9:30 a.m.**  
H.o.M. class again. Been on a major quilt trip this past week. On the same level as the Shack incident last year, without the mortal peril. Tension has been high. Last Thursday night Lily gave me some “advice” after her talk with Remus. I should talk to him alone. Friday. In the Library. In the advanced Arithmancy section. At 4:00 during free period. So I went. He was waiting. It started out good; okay, I wasn’t shouting in accusatory tones. But I did start out with “Why did you run away?” I kept along that line of questioning, he kept skirting the issue or giving non-answers until we were both shouting at each other. Okay, I was shouting, Remus was speaking loudly. Mostly about how immature, thickheaded, uncouth, irrational, and self-righteous I was being. The shouting match got both of us kicked out and banned until this past Wednesday. As we were storming back to the tower, Remus was muttering under his breath about why he even bothers with my company because all I ever do is get him into trouble, he’d be better off never knowing me, etc. And then, I still can’t believe I did this, I said “ you would think that a monster who gets off on killing humans would be a little more open-minded about people’s sexual preferences.” I think I realized what I was saying the fourth word into that sentence, but I couldn’t stop my mouth. I said “I can’t believe I just said that.” And then tried to apologize to his back as he went down the secret corridor on the fifth floor. He was going to his spot; I didn’t put it on the map. James and Peter don’t know about it and I don’t think Remus knows I know. So, went and found James and told him what just happened. He gave me the “prat” speech again. Visited the astronomy tower in the wee hours that night and cried. I hadn’t cried like that since I was six and had broken my arm. Why must I fuck up everything that is good in my life? Why, why, why?

 

**Supper**  
Am on speaking terms with all my friends again. God, I just want to kiss away that hurt look in his eyes. I know better. I know I know better. It’s just a reflex to go for the kill when someone has hurt me. I can’t do that with my friends; they’re not my blood relations. They’re my chosen family. It’s awful to feel rejected. Just bloody awful. Lils just passed me a note- we’re not in class! So I just wrote her back how bloody awful it is to be rejected and how much I want to kiss away Remus’ pain. She’s been a real help this past week. I’m going to the library to finish my charms essay, now that my ban has been lifted.

 

**January 15, 1978 4:00 p.m.**  
Hogsmeade tomorrow! All of my essays are done for Monday! Need to write that in my schedule. Yes! A whole weekend of doing nothing, except planning pranks, buying pranks, and sleeping. Oh shit. Remus just had to see that my schedule was devoid of schoolwork and has suggested N.E.W.T. prep work on Sunday. I’m already an animagus, can apparate, and can out-hex Snivellus. Come on, it’s in the bag. I don’t need to study five and a half months in advance. Good, Remus is reading that book he’s borrowed from Lily. Maybe he’ll let me live a little.

 

**January 17, 1978 11:00 a.m.**  
Taking a break from studying. Remus woke me up at the ungodly hour of 9 this morning. Made me eat a full breakfast when I was still half asleep. We loaded up on “supplies” yesterday. God I love Zonko’s. If I wasn’t set on becoming an Auror, I’d open my own joke shop with James and Peter. Remus could help, but I think his true calling lies in academia. We already call him “Professor Remus.” Am getting a prickly feeling on the back of my neck. Nope, no one there. Must be imagining things. There it is again. James! Bloody James Wanker Potter in his invisibility cloak. Stop reading my bloody diary you wanker!

**1:00 p.m.**  
Back from lunch. I’m supposed to be looking up dragon’s blood and its importance to alchemy during the late nineteenth century, but I had to write. Remus was staring at me oddly during lunch, like I was some complex riddle. It was uncomfortable and strangely erotic. Lily’s joined us; she and Remus have been swapping books. Why is she giving him that book he already borrowed Friday? I thought he already read that one. Now he’s glaring at me; he just realized I’m not studying. Back to work.

**4:00 p.m.**  
I have locked myself in the safe cocoon that is my bed. Just realized that the book Remus borrowed is the one I saw Lily put my note into. Oh, god, I hope she took that note out before he borrowed it. On all that is holy, let him never read that note!

 

**January 18, 1978 10:00 a.m.**  
Divination class. On all that is holy, thank the gods Remus read that note! He’s giving me the “put the journal away before you get caught and the professor decides to read it in class” look. I better be a good doggie today.

**Lunch**  
Am getting a petulant stare from Remus. Especially as I have slid one shoe off and have my foot in a very strategic place that is full of fun. So, he read the note Friday, which explains the funny look prior to lunch yesterday. God, I can barely say it, let alone think it: Re feels the same. Which is why he walked out of the dormitory that night. He said he had forced himself to give up all hope regarding me. But then I came out, and he saw that maybe all that wishful/lustful thinking wasn’t in vain; and he had to leave the room because he forgot how to breathe. Wow. How did I get this lucky? Ooooh, I just got him to growl. Oops. Professor McGonagall is heading our way, better get my shoe back on. Anyway, after supper last night, Re corners me in the dorm and says “interesting note, would you like to start now?” So, we kissed. We ended up on my bed somehow; I still had my hangings drawn. I think our mouths were glued together, like we were each other’s oxygen. I had finally gotten his shirt off and he was just starting on mine, when James and Peter bounded into the room. Thank god we could recover unseen! Full Moon in four days. Need to stay out of detention and start planning escape routes. Get ready for Transfiguration and Charms this afternoon.

**Supper (5:45 p.m.)**  
Just got in for supper: was otherwise occupied. If only I could find someplace where we wouldn’t be disturbed. Good luck finding a room that perfect in this school, a room that could read our minds. Maybe Peeves knows about something more private that isn’t covered in cobwebs or dead things. I could bribe him with some balloons or fireworks. Sirius Black, you are a devious mastermind.

**January 20, 1978 11:30 a.m.**  
Survived Potions this morning without incident. Need to keep up the good work. Believe me, Snivellus was trying his damnedest to bait me. So much so that his potion came out all wrong. Without any assistance from me or my friends, he fucked it up utterly. Serves him right spying on us instead of keeping his abnormally large nose in his own business. Full moon in two days. Thank God it’s on Friday. Gives Re the whole weekend to recover without questions. Have also realized that my boyfriend (god it feels so good to say that and did I just sound like a girl just now?) gets really horny close to the full. But we have not been able to pass beyond Snogging and groping or S&G as I like to say. Too many interruptions. And if it’s not “friendly” interruptions; it’s Re. He’s afraid of losing control, of what the wolf might do. But making Professor Remus give in to wild abandon is half the fun! He needs to enjoy himself and not worry so much. However, I understand his point; the wolf is close now and he really doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Not even Snivellus and some other people who desperately deserve it. Never mind that I have run with the wolf for a year and a half now. And am usually the one who reigns him in. *grumble* And Peeves wasn’t any help. Gave him balloons and he started singing “oh Barnabas you silly goose/ what strange ballet have you set loose/ Sevens never brought me luck/ You’d be better off training ducks” whatever that means. So then I gave him the fireworks to bribe him into explaining himself but then he just said that three turns should do the trick if your head isn’t too thick. Am regretting arming Peeves.

 

**January 23, 1978 9:00 a.m.**  
Re’s in hospital. Madam Pomfrey just kicked me out and told me to go to breakfast. So naturally I’m sitting in the hallway outside of the hospital wing. Think I’ll wait fifteen minutes before I go back inside. I can always go down to the kitchen later and nick something. Have resorted to cold showers the last two days. Lots of them. I love my friends, but you would think they’d have lives of their own to live. James has Lily and Peter’s been hanging around this Hufflepuff sixth year, says he needs to get started on getting a Valentine’s date. Shouldn’t James be off annoying Lily instead of hanging around me? Don’t mind me, I’m just incredibly sexually frustrated. Speak of the devil; James just sat down next to me. Told him about General Pomfrey throwing me out. Great, he says he’ll wait with me. Sarcasm. Now he’s sighing. I guess I better stop ignoring him and see how he’s pissed Lily off this time.

 

**3:30 p.m.**  
Re has been released from hospital and is resting on his bed. I went back in around 9:30; I brought along our DADA essays so we could work a bit. Pomfrey was going on about how much better the transformations seem to be going. Not as much self-inflicted injury; a few cuts and bruises but no broken bones anymore. James has ordered Frank and Peter to leave us alone in here for a while. Like Re has the strength to, you know, let alone hold a quill! Oh, and James didn’t piss off Lily. He was sulky because I had been sneaking off alone lately (heh heh heh) and he wanted to know why I hadn’t invited him along. I told him he wouldn’t want to be involved, but good old James just had to argue with me: “The hell I wouldn’t Sirius. Whatever you’re getting up to, I want in.” Oh, it was so perfect; James is really brilliant sometimes. He makes my life that much more amusing. So, I cocked my head to the side, put on the patented Padfoot grin, and said: “Really? You want to go to” then I listed the various cupboards, unused rooms, empty classrooms, and loo’s Re and I have snuck a quick snog in, “and snog and/or grope Remus?” James turned bright, beet red and shut up. I suppose that’s when he decided to get everyone to leave us alone for a while. I think I’ll watch Re sleep for a bit; it beats reading History of Magic.

 

**January 24, 1978 4:00 p.m.**  
Sitting in the common room, watching my friends. It’s snowing out, quite a storm too. We will be able to have a proper snowball war later. I managed to make my star chart for Divination tomorrow. I even got started on my Potions essay for Tuesday. Re’s all caught up too; in fact, he’s a little bit ahead of me. He’s sitting between Lily and Alice on the sofa. He’s doing much better, even had the energy for a nice, long snog before lunch today. They’re all laughing madly about something. Peter is currently losing a game of chess to Frank Longbottom. Better go rescue my boyfriend; the girls have started a “tickle war.”

**10:15 p.m.**  
Lots of grrrs. Lots and lots of big, hairy, sexually frustrated grrrs. Hate my dormmates. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Before Christmas they all seemed perfectly content to leave me alone in here for hours. Now I can’t get rid of them for more than thirty seconds. Half an hour ago, Re and I came upstairs. I locked the door, but forgot to close my bed hangings. I figured most people come across a locked door and they’ll knock, especially if they hear some, er, interesting sounds. But no, not James. He just Alohamora’ed the door open and caught Re and I inflagrante delicto. So, now Re’s totally embarrassed and has shut himself in his bed. And James can’t decide between glaring at me, like it’s his fault he doesn’t mind his business, or ignoring me completely. He’s settled for guarding his bed, shaking his head every so often, and giving me a look that clearly says “what were you thinking?” He’s acting all Mister Proper Virgin; like he’s never gotten a b.j. before. Well, he’s never seen me give one; so I guess I have finally scarred him for life. Serves him right. Good, he just left; but Peter and Frank just came in. I think I’ll steal the map and cloak and go look for that room Peeves was hinting about. I think I’ve got his “clues” figured. I think the room might be on the seventh floor near the portrait of Barnabas the Barmy. Which is weird because we’ve been in that corridor before and there isn’t even a door. Now I just need to figure out the bit about three turns.

**11:10 p.m.**  
Back in bed, I narrowly escaped capture by McGonagall. Walk by the wall three times and you get a room, an empty room. So I think there’s some kind of trick to it; like maybe you need to visualize what kind of room you want. Better get to sleep, classes tomorrow. Re’s bed hangings are still closed. Can’t risk going over there because James is looking at me oddly and I don’t want to embarrass Remus any further.

 

**January 25, 1978 10:00 a.m.**  
Divination class. Well, I won’t be writing for a few days, Quidditch practice. A beater’s work is never done. An odd thing happened when I woke up this morning, I couldn’t move. Of course, that would be because Remus was sleeping on me. He must have snuck in sometime last night. I have never woken up that happy or content in my life. He looked so beautiful asleep, so peaceful and rested and free. But he does have morning breath, not that I should be throwing stones or anything. Will try that room again and see what happens this time.

**10:00 p.m.**  
Am showered and clean-shaven. I made Re have an hour lie down after supper; he kept dozing off. Transfiguration followed by Charms just wore him out. True, that hour was when Captain James was prattling on about the upcoming Hufflepuff match. But it’s hard enough focusing on Quidditch James without distractions. Then again, I can always find something to distract myself with. Like counting the number of girls Lily was trying to glare to death as they were ogling James. Last count was 14 before James caught me. Frank said I had a fair amount staring me down too. Little do they know... When Re got up, we played a round of chess and went over our Potions essays one last time. Then I showered and came back to my bed, which is devoid of Remus. He went to sleep while I was in the shower. James is snoring...hmm. I think I’ll go join Remus.

 

**January 30, 1978 11:35 p.m.**  
Have flattened Hufflepuff. Gryffindor is in the lead for the Cup. Only our second match though. Face Ravenclaw in March then the finals in May. The next Hogsmeade weekend falls near Valentine’s Day. Maybe it won’t be too bad this year. I think I’ll save that room for then; it beats the Shrieking Shack. Have gotten no further with the sexual revolution. Re’s afraid of a repeat of last Sunday, not that I blame him. Stupid, bloody, James “I’m a complete wanker who just barges in on locked rooms whenever I please” Potter. Re just whispered seductively in my ear; apparently the prefects’ bathroom won’t let anyone in when it’s occupied. I knew that badge would come in handy. Too bad you can’t soundproof a tiled room that... Hey, where’s Remus going? Oh, duh Sirius. Can I be anymore of an idiot? Wait; get the map and cloak. Good thinking.


	3. February

1 February 1978 Lunch  
A very happy and satisfied pup, and wolf for that matter. Can I just say that Remus J. Lupin is the most amazing, unearthly creature I have ever seen? Just achingly beautiful. Oh, and that old witches' tale about werewolf stamina? TRUE. Oh god, how true it is. We didn't get back to the dorm until around five in the morning Saturday, actually Sunday. We both collapsed on my bed, barely had the energy to draw the curtains. We slept in until noon, at which time Frank said loudly that hey, it's lunch and some people should drag their arses out of bed and eat something to recover their strength. Lives up to his name, that one. Frank and I share a common bond of people making bad puns on our first names. James can't seem to meet my eyes. I guess he's trying really hard not to picture two of his friends naked together. Now he knows how I feel whenever he wants to divulge everything he and Lily do. Guess who just decided to talk?

James: Listen, Sirius, I'm not disapproving or anything; it's just weird knowing that two of my best friends are shagging each other.

Me: Now you know how I feel whenever you start to go on about Lils. I'm really happy for you, but I could do without the play by play.

James: Me too.

Me: Now what will you do if you happen across a locked door?

James: Shout "If Sirius and Remus are having sex in there, warn me and I won't come in.

Me: Speaking of coming...

At which point James excused himself and Remus glared at me. So I gave him my best cheeky smile. He shook his head and grinned. Must resist urge to take Re to that room right now. Save it for Valentine's Day.

 

3 February 1978 Supper  
Snivellus Snape must die! Between Quidditch, extra studying, and undeserved detentions, I will have no Remus time for the remainder of the week. Had Potions this morning with the Slytherins. Why do they do this? Surely Dumbledore would have realized by now that this is a stupid idea. How long has he been at this school? And still he hasn't discovered that putting two hostile elements (Slytherins and Gryffindors, although the Slytherins always start it) near volatile ingredients and potions is a Very Bad Idea. Very, very, very bad. The worst idea a human being could have. The result is why I have an undeserved detention. I had just added the last ingredient to my potion and had just gone to wash up when Peter saw Snivellus drop something into my cauldron. Peter signaled to me by pointing at my cauldron then his nose. I go back to my cauldron and see that instead of the dark blue it should have been and was, it was now a violent shade of pink. I think it could have glowed in the dark. Just I was about to dump it, Professor Bunsen comes up and checks to see why I'm dumping it. He took one look at the potion and took twenty points from Gryffindor for making an illegal potion. He never takes off points for incorrectly brewed potions! Then demands to know where I got some ingredient I had never seen in the student cupboard. So I told him what Peter saw. Then started arguing with him, called Snape a few names. Told him if he wanted answers go ask him. Then I accused him of favouritism. I ended up with a total of thirty points from Gryffindor and detention for the rest of the week. Which starts in ten minutes in the dungeons. I'll probably have to clean the potions classroom without magic. Better get going; I don't want to be late on top of everything else.

 

5 February 1978 9:45 a.m.  
Muggle Studies class. The professor stepped out and is having us read chapter 14. I've finished, so I have time to write. At detention last night, Prof. Bunsen awarded Gryffindor 30 points. Some Slytherin had inadvertently squealed on Snivellus. But as Bunsen didn't see it, he couldn't punish Snape. But we can... I discovered that the potion I ended up with is illegal only at Hogwarts. It's a very powerful sexual enhancement draught, quite different than an aphrodisiac. While an aphrodisiac heightens your senses to stimuli (thus triggering certain physical reactions), this kind of draught alters your physical state. In fact, it "enhances" a certain part of the male anatomy for 48 hours. Ouch. Not that I need it with Re around. I wonder why Snivellus knew how to make it. Or why he put it in my cauldron? Never mind. I really don't want to know that. Found out something interesting in H.o.M. yesterday. Ancient Roman Holidays. More later, the professor's back.

 

6 February 1978 2:00 p.m.   
Finally dragged my arse out of bed at 11 this morning. We were all up late going over strategies and inventory. Frank even helped a bit, said I had been too sulky. I'm a guy; I don't sulk. I piss and moan. Frank even helped a bit. He wants to go into Auror training too. Trying not to fall asleep while writing H.o.M. essay. Which reminds me: Ancient Roman Holidays. Lupercalia- I perked up at that. It was a fertility festival honoring the pastoral god, Lupercus, held on February 15th. Muggles would seek out potion makers to help them conceive. Some wizards even served as "priests" in the temples muggles built to honor their gods. Of course, the wizards started abusing their power, the muggles didn't like it, they stopped trusting each other, etc. That's when the two societies began their separation. Then Binns started listing off names and dates and I fell asleep again. Woke up when he was discrediting the muggles' tale of the founding of Rome. What the hell were Remus' parents thinking when they named him!? Well, his dad is weird; his mum shares Re's drollness. 

I got to spend time with his parents during Christmas break. We all went shopping in muggle London- James & his parents, Re & his parents, Lily, Peter, and me. Mr. Lupin became enthralled with a display of televisions in a muggle appliance shop. Lily had wanted to buy something for her sister. Anyway, as Mr. Lupin was marveling at how the muggles had gotten pictures to move and talk, a cooking show came on. He falls into hysterical giggling. He doesn't laugh; he giggles. Remus is the same and it's adorable. So, Mr. Lupin loses it when the muggles start using a food processor. James and I had to pull him away and get out before any more people started staring. We met up with everyone at the Leaky Cauldron and Re's mum must have known what had happened by the way we were acting; that and Mr. Lupin giggling "food processor? What is the process of food?" She told us not to worry; St. Mungo's had already told her they could not take her husband as he was beyond their help. Then she suggested that perhaps the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Department ought to do something about these muggles bewitching their own artifacts to bait wizards. I love Remus' parents; they're great. What was I talking about in the first place? Lupercalia. There was also some stuff about two young boys running through the town and whipping women; just a slap and they thought they'd be able to conceive. Muggles. You have to love their creativity though. There's this old witches' tale about it being the time when a werewolf claims its mate. But Hairy Snout, Human Heart doesn't even mention it. Need to do some extra research. I don't giggle, Black. Okay, I need to remind a certain someone that this is my journal therefore: 1. No one reads it but me. 2. No one writes in it but me. 3. He can very well write his own. 4. I will prove he giggles. Just need to tickle him. Excuse me.

 

9 February 1978 7:30 p.m.  
Interesting DADA class. The good professor is having the entire class take mock Auror Entrance exams Friday during free period. Re thinks it's pointless for him because the ministry does not hire "creatures" in its law enforcement divisions. I told him it didn't matter; he'd probably score the highest anyway. Then he got depressed and said he wanted to be left alone. I could get out the map and find him, but that would be cheating. I guess I'd be depressed too if there was something I was good at but wasn't allowed to do. We need all the good help we can get now. I hate all this prejudice these arseholes cling to. It's the twentieth century, things change. We have the Voldemort problem because of arseholes clinging to prejudice as well. And every time I pass Regulus in the halls he either sneers or mutters "you know you're killing our mother." I've learned to ignore the sycophant and not reply "the bitch deserves to die." What a light-hearted turn this is taking! I'll put a stop to it now.

 

12 February 1978 8:00 p.m.  
That exam was difficult! They not only ask you the usual stuff: charms, transfiguration, healing draughts, poisons, antidotes, disarming spells, etc. But also they give you essay questions: What would you do if A happens? What steps would you take in apprehending a suspect? We had one hour for each section. Two hours total. People who score in the high percentiles (80 or above) get to have a practical with a real Auror two weeks from now. No word on who's teaching it though. The real test takes place after eighteen months of training; the training time keeps getting lowered so they'll be more Aurors in the field. And the test takes two days, with the practical on a third day. 

We made it to supper around 5:30. Peter got his date with that sixth year Hufflepuff. tomorrow. He's doubling with Lily and James. Which leaves me and Remus to fend for ourselves. Maybe we won't even go. The tower will be empty, except for the 1st and 2nd years, but they won't come barging into our dorm room anyway. At least not on a Saturday. If this goes over, we might just stay in bed all day.

 

13 February 1978 12:35 p.m.  
In the Three Broomsticks. Alice ruined my brilliant plan. She needed Re to go shopping with her; she wanted to pick out something for Frank's mother's birthday. Frank couldn't go because he has the flu. I'm supposed to be meeting them for lunch here and they're already over a half hour late. Peter's date suggested I go with their little group: "Honestly, Sirius, how do you ever expect to get a girlfriend if you're always hanging around with the boys?" Peter, James, and Lily are helping to keep her in the dark. I think I might have made it harder for them when I almost laughed.

12:45 p.m.  
Rosemerta just came by and sat with me a bit. She brought me some complimentary chips and butterbeer. We flirted a bit and she went back to work. 45 minutes late. And I'm even being polite and not ordering until they get here. So I'm starving; and I get grumpy when I'm hungry. If I don't want to eat, then I'm really, really sick; I might be near death then. About damn time! If I hear either "have you been here..." or "sorry, lost track..." I might have to hit something close by. Oh goodie, Snivellus is within range. Damn, he just left. Jesus! Did they buy the whole village?

1:10 p.m.  
Finished my lunch. Waiting for Re to finish his desert. Alice took her stuff back up to the school. Re hit the discount bin at the bookstore hard. He also has a bag from the grocer? He eats so slowly; ice cream melts, eat faster! WHAT is he DOING? Oh dear lord...he's eating the ice cream in a way that should be outlawed. Must not stare. Will not stare. Maybe corner of my eye...did he just? No. No way. I'm hearing...he DID. He MOANED. Do not look. Do not look. Keep writing. Oh, he's got a drip. I should lick it...Stop it. Handing him napkin while I'm writing. Just ignore... Dear God! Now he's rubbing his foot up my calf. Can't write. Can't think. Oh that feels good. He better stop before I lose control. Never mind don't, hey, were did his foot go? He got up; he's ready to go and oh, could I help carry his books to the school? He was just buttering me up to be his lackey. Oh, I'll have my revenge. Just wait; Re won't know what hit him.

 

15 February 1978 Breakfast  
Lupercalia. Myth about mating for life. Well, the claiming bit; being human too, werewolves naturally would like to spend their life with one person but won't shrivel up and die if it doesn't work out. Though good luck leaving one who doesn't want you to go. They are territorial and somewhat possessive; haven't seen it at all with Remus yet. I've definitely got a territorial streak though. Won't go into detail, has to do with Padfoot. Oh yes, our lost weekend.  
I helped Re lug all his new books up to our room. He started putting them calmly away while hiding the grocer's bags from me. So I started in on him about being late. Then he picks up the grocer bags and walks out. So I follow him and really lay into him. I'm not shouting, but I'm talking very fast and my voice keeps cracking. He was acting nonchalant and it was driving me mad. I hadn't even paid attention to where we were going. Then he started pacing in this corridor; it seemed like he was ignoring me. I continued airing my grievances, really how I hadn't gone hoarse is beyond me, and he opens this door I don't recognize. I did the only logical thing and grabbed him; he pushed us through the door and then it vanished. That shut me up! That and Re pouncing on me. When I could breathe (and think) clearly I realized we had to be in that room Peeves told me about. Except it wasn't empty. There were candles and pillows and this great big bed with blue satin sheets. And a Jacuzzi in the floor in the back of the room. The room smelled like sandalwood and the ocean. While I was taking it all in, Re started unpacking the bags; there was enough food to feed an army. Or two very hungry and satisfied young men.   
I asked him how long he knew about this room and how long he had been planning this. To which he replied first year and since last June. Although, he admitted, "I must say that you declaring your undying love for me made the plan that much simpler." I said the only thing I could say, "You little shit. You realize that you have ruined my own clever plan to use this room to seduce you?" Fuck. Will continue later, I have to get to class.

Lunch  
Divination was interesting. We're studying Nostradamus' prophecies. The wizarding ones; his muggle prophecies are much more obtuse and vague. Back to Saturday afternoon, evening, night, Sunday morning.... After I scolded him, he paused to lay out some food, then looked at me, quirked that damn sexy eyebrow, and said "Were you really going to seduce me?" So , I told him that I could always seduce him later, when he wasn't expecting it. Then we both got nervous because we knew there was no need to hurry; no one could possibly interrupt us. I suppose we just got used to stolen moments. Or maybe because it seemed like a real date, which would make this all really real. We were both saying equally dumb variants on "So...Here we are. Yea. Alone," et al. Then I went and started laughing because it was too damn funny. He we were, alone at last, hormones racing, and we were acting like blushing virgins. Re caught my eye and must have had the same thought because he started laughing too. Okay, so he doesn't giggle all the time.   
I love hearing him laugh; there's nothing sexier. Well, growling and moaning are sexy too, but when he laughs, he laughs. He throws his head back and lets go. We had to sit down we were laughing so hard. When we finally recovered I suggested starting with the Jacuzzi. That's what we did; we stripped and jumped in. Wandering around Hogsmeade with all those bags does make you a little sore. Things followed their natural progressive from the Jacuzzi. Just incredible. We've had great sex before, but all that doesn't come close (oh, never mind) to this weekend. It wasn't the amount (I lost count after seven) but, fuck this is corny can't believe I'm about to say this, we made love for the first time, and many times, this weekend. We didn't show ourselves until supper on Sunday night; we ran out of food and had homework to finish. Plus didn't want any nasty rumors floating around. Speaking of homework, Transfiguration in ten minutes, better get going. 

 

16 February 1978 8:30 p.m.  
Alone in the dorm room, Re's off showering. Full moon on the 20th. Got those test results back; I'm going to the practical. Alastor Moody will be giving it. Damn, the man's a legend! I think Dumbledore is up to something with this. I don't know what though. James and Lily are going, Peter barely got in, and unfortunately, so did Snivellus. Frank's going, but that was a given; Re won't tell us what he got. He left his paper on his bedside table, maybe I should look. No, that would only piss him off. I can be fairly certain that if Peter got in, so did Remus. I got in the 90th percentile, James- 91st, Lily- 87th, Peter- 80th, Snivellus- 91st. He was bragging about that at dinner; I almost clocked him but Remus stopped me. That's it, I'm looking. Wow, 96th percentile. Fuck, he really must have gotten the highest score in the class. I wonder what he'd get with proper Auror training. This is just rudimentary...oh shit. Pissed off Remus coming my way. Really pissed off. Better get this over with.

It's over, and it didn't start or end well. He snarled when he saw the parchment in my hand:  
Re: What are you doing?

Me: Sorry, but I was curious and had to look, and you didn't seem to want to look at it.

Re: You're right. I didn't.

Me: What?

Re: You heard me.

Me: Well, you didn't fail, if that's what you

Re: *snorts* Of course I didn't fail. Let me guess, I got in?

Me: You got in the 96th percentile. I told you you'd end up with the highest score.

Re: Throw it out.

Me: What? No.

Re: Fine. Give it here then, it's mine.

Me: I'm not letting you throw this away.

Re: It doesn't mean anything!

Me: Yes it bloody well does!

Re: I could out do both Moody and Dumbledore and I still couldn't be an Auror.

Me: Why not?

Re: You know why.

Me: You don't want to?

Re: I can't!

Me: Why?

Re: Bloody hell, Sirius! You have the memory of a fish! When's the full?

Me: Four days... Oh, hell Remus. You being a werewolf means bollocks.

Re: Oh yes it does. The Ministry does not hire "creatures" in its law enforcement divisions, you do remember? And an Auror can only be a "fully qualified and specially trained witch or wizard who has passed the certification program." Technically, I'm not a wizard.

Me: Fuck it, Re, you're one of the top wizards here.

Re: I'm not going.

Me: Yes, you are.

Re: No.

Me: It's Mad-Eye Moody!

Re: I don't care.

Me: You do too. Fine. Sulk. But you are going.

Re: No.

Me: At least to shut up Snivellus. He's been bragging about barely scoring higher than me.

Re: I'll think about it.

Me: Besides, you don't want James' head to get any bigger.

Re: He is having trouble getting through doorways recently. And if it will shut you up...

Me: Snogging has that effect as well.

Re: Fine. I'm not going then.

Then he slammed the door on his way out. He left the parchment though, so I kept it. If he wouldn't think so much, he wouldn't get this upset. Now I'm angry too. People like Lucius Malfoy get handed things like school governorships while good people like Remus get the short end. I hate it! Oops, sorry about that, didn't mean to throw this across the room. James saw, I better talk to him.

 

21 February 1978 10:00 a.m.  
In the hospital wing with Remus. Madam Pomfrey has ceded to my stubbornness. Besides, Remus feels so much better when his friends are around to cheer him up, although only one at a time: "We don't want to wear him out." Speak for yourself, Poppy. Looking forward to the practical this Friday. Re's going, he just doesn't realize it yet. 

He's sleeping now. He should be out for a while; we ran for miles it seemed. And wrestled, more than last time. More than we ever have, come to think of it. I really should get some sleep too; wrestling with a werewolf really drains you. No, ah, animal passions last night. I don't know if I want to tempt fate with Prongs and Wormtail along. Besides, werewolves are huge, much larger than a normal wolf. I did not mean it the way it sounded. I mean, Moony could kill me; I didn't understand that until I saw him for the first time. It scared the shit out of me; I've never told Remus that. I've always been the one who never showed fear; I never really felt it though, except for that first time. Padfoot was shaking, but the wolf must have recognized a canine brother and accepted him after much sniffing and nipping. Just like we accepted Remus, Moony accepted Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Since he doesn't seem to be waking up anytime soon, I'm going to start on my Herbology essay for Tuesday.

11:06 a.m.  
Herbology started to put me to sleep. I can't believe James and Peter just stayed in bed all this time. They still haven't come down. We got Re back right at sunrise and scrambled to get back to Gryffindor tower. I woke up at nine, grabbed some books and parchment and headed down here. Peter and James were snoring; Frank had already left. Oh right, they're giving us time alone. I knew that. Sleep deprivation slows down my brain. Good, he's waking up. And he wants to start on homework. Don't I even get a post-transformation kiss?

 

25 February 1978 9:30 a.m.  
H.o.M. class. I can't believe that Binns never notices how many people fall asleep in his class. He's even conked out Remus today. Have not had sex in nine days! Not even a decent snog. I think Re is still pissed I'm making him go to the practical tomorrow. This is his way of punishing me, I'm sure. I went to rub my foot up his leg at breakfast and he stomped on it. He's been reading up on dueling hexes and other stuff, preparing for the practical. He's even started teaching us the Patronus Charm. We're covering those in mid-March with Flitwick. I managed to produce a proper one last night. Guess what form it took? A wolf, obviously. Oh, I'm laughing now and trying not to. Re's drooling on his notes. It's just too funny. Should I wake him? Or let him suffer? No sex, no snogging, no touching in nine days. Okay, he can suffer.

 

26 February 1978 Breakfast  
Today's the big day. James and I snuck out last night under the cloak. Looks like they were setting up an obstacle course on the Quidditch pitch. That nearly gave James a heart attack. Re's watching me eat breakfast. Maybe I am licking my spoon too long. He doesn't seem to realize I notice. Well, it looks like he's suffering as much as I am. Heh heh heh, I just asked him if he was feeling all right, he hadn't touched his food, then I looked him in the eye and said "you look a bit 'hungry'." He had to excuse himself, something about forgetting a book. Yeah right. Payback's a bitch.

9:40 a.m.  
Muggle Studies, assigned reading again. The noise a pirate makes: Argh. I had Remus cornered in the boy's loo on the first floor after breakfast. Finally getting some action- S&G- but at least it's a start. Peter came in looking for me. Well, that ended that. Now Re's sitting on the other side of the room from me. I'm about ready to burst. James has finally noticed my tension and has passed a note. I hope he has surmised why I have been so tense this past week. Let's read. Nope, not a bloody clue! He writes: "Padfoot, don't worry about this afternoon, you only got 1 lower than me. Nothing to be nervous about-Prongs." That git! Just because he thinks he scored so much higher than me, does not mean I'll make a complete arse of myself today. Mark my words; he'll be the arse. Argh! Hmm, I'm reminding myself of some American muggle cartoon, a bald-headed kid with a dog that flies his doghouse as if it were an aeroplane. I don't understand it, but the muggles seem to enjoy it. And I'm off on one of my tangents again. Does Re want me to kill someone this afternoon? That's it. I'm getting him alone before lunch.

Lunch  
AARRGGHH! Didn't get him alone. He's sitting at the opposite end of the table. Argh! That's the word of the day: ARGH! What else did that kid say? Oh yes, Good Grief! He led a frustrating life, I can relate. I feel like pounding my head against the table. Good plan.  
Ow. Not so good plan. Pain, plus people are looking at me funny. Re won't look at me, he's put his head on the table. He's shaking! He's laughing! That's IT! He's going to get it tonight!

7:15 p.m.  
In the common room. Re went to the Prefects' bath alone, obviously. Said he was sore. I still haven't got him alone yet. And I emphasize yet. I'll just have to give him a full body massage when he gets back, since he is sore and all. I must have just had my "cat ate the cream" grin on because James asked if I had worked out a prank for Snape yet. This is what I love most about James, his duties as Head Boy do not keep him form his duties as a Marauder. So, I had to correct him. Not Snape, not prank, what else could it be? Then he promised to keep the dorm clear until 11. Great bloke, James. A little thick at times, but he comes through when you need it most.

Anyway, the practical. There's a reason they call him "Mad-Eye" Moody. But that's another story. There were three obstacle courses set up next to each other. The first run we had five minutes and knew whom our opponents were. The second run, we had two minutes and went in blind. You were given one of two objectives: find and retrieve the object in the course, or prevent your opponent from finding the object. If you were given the first objective, you entered from one end where the object was blocked from view. If given the second, you entered from the other end with the object in plain sight. First round I was up against a Ravenclaw, Prewett. James got Rodolpho Lestrange, he's dating my cousin Bella-the-bitch, Remus got Frank, and Lily got Peter. James failed, he kept Lestrange from getting the object but he did it by playing keep away. I was going to do that, but realized that Moody didn't instruct me to take the object, just keep my opponent from getting it. I passed. Re did too, although Frank almost got Re at one point. Then we switched objectives and courses and opponents. I saw Re got paired with Snape, and then I was put into my course. Moody put me in with Lestrange. I got to the object in thirty seconds and got out of the course in forty-five. I had to make sure Remus was all right. He did really well. He used a Confundus Hex followed by a misdirection spell and then just waited out the clock. When we were done, Moody pulled Remus aside. I'm still waiting to know what was said. At least Re looked happy. Speak of the devil and then he appears, Re's back from his bath. Massage time.

27 February 1978 3:30 a.m.  
Common room again. Didn't want to wake Remus. I wore him out. Hmm, Peter's asleep on the couch, snoring. It's always a great, glorious day when I can work Re into such a frenzy that he screams: "Fuck Sirius! Just fucking do it already!" Because it really did start out with an innocent massage. Okay, not quite innocent as Re was naked, but I was fully clothed. He laid face down on his bed and I worked his neck, shoulders, back, legs, and feet. A half an hour of that, then I started the "kiss and make it better" routine. Followed by licking, which was followed by nipping with no frontal contact. Re was pressed flat on his stomach. Oh yeah, he was getting worked "up." And I was still fully clothed, which he was not happy about at all. But he was too relaxed after his massage to do anything about it. So I had to ask him what he wanted: do you want me to take off my shirt, do you want me to lick you ear? do you want me to remove my trousers? and so on until I was naked and he was writhing underneath me and I said, "do you want me to be inside you?" So went to work getting ready and I turned him on his back and just stared at him. It was intense, pausing right at the moment before, er, entry? That's when he yelled "Fuck Sirius! Just fucking do it already!" I had to make sure that was what he wanted, of course: "Do you want me to screw you into the mattress?" "God, yes!" He was so beautiful, so hungry, and so passionate. And I proceeded to do just that. Shit, now I'm randy again. Peter's gone upstairs, can't wake my room__________

2:15 p.m.  
Nothing like shagging in the common room near four in the morning. Remus did not like waking to an empty bed last night. He found me and the result is the abbreviated entry above. All I can remember him saying before being wonderfully molested is: "unlike you, I'll just cut right to the chase." Have learned a useful spell to clean upholstery. Remus seems a bit embarrassed today though. I guess he feels as if he lost control and might have freaked me out, or have turned me into a sex addict. Which, as long as Remus is involved, is not a bad thing in my mind. The Ravenclaw match is in three weeks. James is getting antsy already. I think I'm going to have to slip him a Draught of the Living Dead soon. I don't see how Lily tolerates him. I really don't. I wrote Andy and am waiting for a reply. I said I didn't know what to call what Re and I have. We're beyond "dating," "lovers" seems middle-aged or like cheating, "boyfriend" sounds like a girl (which neither of us are, we have man parts, thank you), and "mate" well, it means friend too. I asked how her daughter, Nymphodora was doing. She's like nine now, I believe. She'll be starting here in two years. I guess I ought to get back to doing homework, or N.E.W.T. prep work. Or I could weasel out what Moody was talking to Remus about. Now where did my boyfriend go?


	4. March

**3 March 1978, Lunch**  
Potions with the Slytherins this morning. Snivellus actually called Lily the “M” word without James hearing. But Peter heard, he’s turning out to be a right good spy. So now Lily is involved with the modification of the Disillusionment Charm. We want to add a timing element. Thinking about trying it at the Quidditch match this Saturday- Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff. Remus still hasn’t told me what Moody said to him. I’ve tried everything: holding out, putting out, teasing, whining, ignoring, pleading, everything, even chocolate! I still can’t believe he hasn’t told me yet. I guess the Black charm is wearing off.

I got a reply from Andy, and as long as I spare her the minutiae, she wants to hear all about us. She said she knew this would happen since our fifth year when she met us in Hogsmeade for Christmas shopping. She’s such a know-it-all. But she’s still cool. And right. Now I need to ask the omnipotent one if she knows what Remus is not telling me.

**5 March 1978, 11:15 a.m.**  
Have come down with the flu. Pepper-Up potion does not work on this so I’m confined to Hospital. I feel miserable. I don’t want to eat. Although Madam Pomfrey did say she might let me go back to the dorms tonight. Of course, I think she was just saying that so I would stop complaining about not being able to do anything. That’s the problem with me being sick; I never complain about said illness, I just whine that I can’t do my normal stuff. I have a lot of energy, which is good because if I do manage to stay still I recover quickly. Everyone’s in class. Nothing to do except homework. Blah.

**7:30 p.m.**  
Not going back to dorm tonight, the General doesn’t want me infecting others. How am I supposed to sleep without Re in bed with me? Oh, god, I sound so pathetic. I have gone for years sleeping in an empty bed with no problems. I guess I never knew how good it could be. I wish General Pomfrey would stop shooing Remus out every time he’s in here longer than fifteen minutes. She fusses over him so much she’s like his second mother. I love him. I really do. Now I need to say it when we’re not “at the height of our passion” (when I’m not having yet another mind-blowing orgasm courtesy of Remus). I think I might need a sleeping draught tonight. God, I got 20 get-well cards from the female population, three sang. I’ve thrown those out. Now it seems that they’re making me sick. Seriously (oh god, even I do it) I feel nauseas again and it’s not the flu. Ooh, I have visitors!

**7:50 p.m.**  
James and Remus. Thank god for Remus’ nose. Here’s what happened:  
“What is that smell?”  
“I’ve bathed, Remus.”  
“I don’t smell anything.”  
James began to rifle through my cards.  
“Don’t you smell it, Sirius?”  
“No, but something was”  
“Ooh. Hortia MacDougal sent you a card!”  
“That hag from Slytherin?”  
“Hey, watch it! I happen to think she’s quite lovely actually.”  
“Since when, five seconds ago?”  
“Sirius, watch it. I think I might ask her to Hogsmeade.”  
“James, remember Lily?”  
“Lily who?”  
“Sirius, it’s the card. It’s laced with pheromones.”  
“Then throw it out, Re.”  
A good five-minute struggle ensued where Remus eventually wrestled the card away from James and threw it into the fireplace. Burn, baby, burn! I felt much better after that.  
“So that’s what was making want to vomit, pheromone-laced get-well cards.”  
“I thought it was the flu.”  
“Well, that card didn’t help any, James.”  
“Wait until we tell Lily you were going to ask out Hortia MacDougal!”  
“You wouldn’t, Remus!”  
“I might, if only to see Lily Evans hex the shite out of Hortia MacDougal; she’s friends with Bella, you know.”  
“Sirius, not you too! Come on, we’re mates!”  
“Actually, he and I are mates”  
“Could you please stop doing that?”  
“Doing what?”  
“Argh.”  
“How’s the charm work going?”  
“No luck yet, Padfoot, but soon.”

Unfortunately that’s when the General swooped over and threw them out. I guess I’ll do some reading. Hmm. Re left me a note in my book: “I don’t know about you, but I think I won’t be able to sleep in an empty bed. Miss you, even when you’re vomiting—Remus.” I think that sums up our relationship nicely. Back to copying notes.

**6 March 1978, 10:24 a.m.**  
Released from hospital just in time for breakfast. Everything looked good, but I didn’t feel like eating. Had half a piece of toast. James was very concerned; he knows my appetite. So, he asked if there was anything at the table I wanted to “eat. You must be hungry for something here.” Yes, another brilliant set-up from James. To be fair, he has got me too; I just don’t feel like writing down my non-sequiturs in my journal. Anyway, I made a show of studying all of the food. Then slowly raised my eyes to Remus and stared at him-we almost lost it-then looked back at James, who was red in the face, and I said, “Well, this is one thing I could, er, ‘eat’.” Lily couldn’t contain herself, Re snorted into his porridge; Peter had pumpkin juice coming out his nose. James huffed, then grinned and said “Now I know you’re feeling better you prat.” We had to have been laughing for five minutes. Even Dumbledore looked amused, although I don’t think he heard our conversation. I hope he didn’t! Yeah right, the man knows everything that goes on in this place. I’m going to miss it. Maybe when the war ends I’ll come back and teach. Who am I kidding? I don’t have the patience for that. Remus does. God he’d make an excellent teacher.

I wish I could go outside, but I’m not allowed. I have to watch the Quidditch match from Gryffindor Tower. Everyone is heading out now, even Remus. He’d make a good seeker; he’s a damn good flyer and he always sees things that the rest of us miss. Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff. It will be over in ten minutes.

**11:30 a.m.**  
It was over in five. Slytherin 210, Hufflepuff 20. Hufflepuff’s seeker took a bludger to the head 30 seconds into the match. Couldn’t see it, but James has just relayed the match to me, which took ten minutes. Don’t ask; it’s James. Only he could make five minutes last an hour. Feeling better, a little weak but I should be back to 100% on Monday. Peter has just informed me that Hortia MacDougal seemed quite concerned about me. James finds this amusing, Re just growled. So that’s the territorial thing he’s always going on about. James shouldn’t be laughing so hard; he’s the one that fell for her card. I think Re and I are going to have to break our “don’t tell” policy. Slytherins can be quite crafty in getting what they want, and I don’t want my boyfriend attacking people. Unless it’s me. Er, wait, how to deal with Hortia? I think a well-timed public snog is in order. Monday at Dinner perhaps?

 

**7 March 1978, 6:30 a.m.**  
Re’s in bed with me, sleeping. His birthday is in eight days. I don’t know what to get him. I’m trying not to spend a lot; I’m on a fixed income after all. But I want to get him something special, since the full is six days after. I don’t want to get another book! Re just woke up and is insisting I stop writing and “cuddle.” He actually said cuddle. I will hold him close; I do not cuddle! Oh, oooohhhhhh. Putting this away now.

 

**8 March 1978, 8:30 p.m.**  
Well, now the whole school knows that I’m gay and that Remus and I are more than “just good friends.” Bloody James had to catcall and Lily and Alice wolf-whistled. Come to think of it, that was funny. The students who weren’t shocked clapped. The Slytherins ignored it as they always do, except Snivellus had this self-satisfied smirk on his face, like he knew all along or had some hand in it. Disgusting. Dumbledore seemed highly amused. Peter told me he saw him raise his glass a bit, as if he were making a toast. Cool. Got the timing elements worked out to the Disillusionment charm. Lily will be the one to cast it.

Charms today. We started the Patronus work. Flitwick was impressed with my ability; I almost gloated but Re rolled his eyes and I stopped myself in time. Still no word on the Moody conversation. Birthday in seven days. Still no idea for a birthday present. Maybe clothes? Too boring. Zonko’s stuff? Not special enough. Argh. Well, at least I’m feeling up to snogging again. Must go steal Remus away from the common room.

 

**11 March 1978, 9:30 a.m.**  
H.o.M. class. Nothing much going on. Some lovely, mind-blowing orgasms due to the ministrations of a very sexy werewolf. I usually don’t refer to Remus like that; except, last night he seemed very primal, feral. He was in touch with his animal instincts. I like when he’s in touch with his animal instincts; me like very, very, very, very much. Although, he maintains that I should be the werewolf given my, er, “style” of seduction. He says I’m very predatory. Well, duh. Look at him! I do it on purpose, you twit- who I love more than anything. Trying to appeal to the wolf and get you to let loose with the animal passion there, mate. I can handle it; believe me, I want to handle it. However, I have found that making Remus laugh relaxes him so he lets go and enjoys himself. Just once though, I’d like to whip him into a sexual frenzy the way he does to me. To push him past the breaking point where he gives into his passion and we can just have at it. Which is why I’ve been laying on the predatory games; I’m trying to break his resolve. And it’s hard. Oh boy, I love entendres!

 

**13 March 1978, 11:30 a.m.**  
Got Rosemerta to pick up Remus’ gift in muggle London for me. I got him a set of paintbrushes and special paint. Re told me once that he likes to paint while on break, there’s not enough time during school. Another side of Remus I love, the artiste.

Anyway, planning on using the Disillusionment Charm next Hogsmeade visit. Lily will place it as we’re leaving the castle; it has an hours time delay now. By that time all the students will be milling around town and then, invisible robes on Snivellus. I do regret torturing the rest of the students like this, but it will be worth it!

**2:20 p.m.**  
Another lovely, rainy Saturday afternoon. Homework is all done. Studying for N.E.W.T.s after supper. Remus, need to find him. James is playing chess with a second year. Lily’s helping Peter with Charms. Going to search for Remus. Maybe later, Alice has just asked me to help her go over the transfiguration essay. An animagi’s work is never done.

**3:12 p.m.**  
Helped Alice. Couldn’t find Re. Came up to dorm and there he is, napping. He’s just waking no. I love watching him sleep. He looks so cute when he’s groggy and has bed hair. He’s just informed me that whatever lascivious plans I have will have to wait because he needs to use the loo and have a shower. Come to think of it, I could use a shower myself. Excuse me.

 

**14 March 1978, 3:30 p.m.**  
Why do I let him do this to me? Snivellus run-in this morning. I accepted the challenge, took the bait, etc. I now have detention tomorrow night! It’s not Fair! God, I sound like a child, but it’s still not fair! Not fair, not fair, NOT FAIR! I had everything planned out and now it’s ruined. I should hex Snivellus into oblivion, except that would get me expelled. Pranks are okay as long as no one is injured and no school rules are broken, i.e. being out of bed after curfew. IT’S NOT FAIR! Re and I were going to have chocolate-body-paint-sex for his birthday. He doesn’t know that, of course, but this is shite! After Rosemerta went through all that trouble to get it for me. The paintbrushes are the legitimate, suitable for display present. Perfectly planned too, give him the brushes, say I don’t know what type of paint you like to paint with so I just got these. Then slip the body paint in his bag with a note: “Ever use this kind of paint before? Do you think I’d make a good canvas for this medium?” All ruined! All because Snivellus had to start a fight. He got a detention too, so all is not lost. But still. Shite, James is calling for me in his high-pitched “I just pissed of Lily and need to be rescued quick” voice. Sirius to the rescue!  
Sirius, you really shouldn’t leave this open where anyone can read it. I would like to remind you that my birthday begins at midnight tonight and we can always skive off Divination in the morning. And yes, you would make an excellent canvas for that particular medium. But only with the right artist. Remus.

**4:00 p.m.**  
The James situation is taken care of. Can I just say how much I love Remus? Even if he does read my private journal that I leave open on my bed. I need to leave him a note in his...I suggested that perhaps he could teach me how to paint as he would also make an excellent canvas. I suppose we’ll be heading to that room at 12:01 tonight. Happy puppy. Very happy puppy. Remus never skives off; he must really want his birthday present. Would it be over the top to be waiting for him with a bow tied on my penis? He’d probably just laugh at me anyway. Or growl if I’m lucky. Full moon next Sunday. Re will probably miss Monday classes. Good thing the flu’s going around. It’s easier to cover when there’s an epidemic.

 

**15 March 1978, 4:45 a.m.**  
Happy Birthday to me! Well, it feels like it anyway. Re’s passed out so I thought I’d take a moment to reflect. It was incredible! I thought Re’s oral prowess was mind-blowing before, but add a bit of chocolate and goddamn! I should return the favour when he wakes up. Re just turned on his side and his hand just slipped to a very nice place. A little distracting, but as long as he doesn’t move I can still write. Oops, he’s awake and wants to play a game. How long can I write, oh god, while he’s....stroking me. All right, I’ll play along. Where was I? Oh yes, chocolate. Liberally applied to a certain part of my anatomy, oh that feels good. Re just licked and licked so slow at first; it was driving me mad. Oh, I’m liking this game. Licking slowly, going insane. Then he swallowed me whole and sucked. And he looked right into my eyes, feral, wild, Wild abandon, so wild.... What the hell is he doing? This would be a good time for me stop, oh god...

**Lunch**  
Well, I lost. And we got caught. Kind of. We didn’t go to Divination or breakfast; we were sleeping. Then I guess it was around ten, there was a knock on the door. The door! There shouldn’t have been a door! Dumbledore was looking for us; he gave us time to clean up and took us to his office. The last time we were in there had been after the Whomping Willow incident. So I’m thinking I’m going to be expelled, he had said if I broke any more school rules I would be. And Remus is just embarrassed beyond belief. So, we’re sitting in his office, Re’s staring at his feet and Dumbledore is sitting behind his desk with his hands folded examining us through his glasses. Finally he says, “I did not bring you here to expel you or to punish you. To my knowledge, you did not break curfew and all unlocked rooms are open to students. However, I am disappointed that with the forethought this excursion seemed to require, neither of you thought to bring an alarm clock. Therefore, the usual ten points for missing a class will be deducted from Gryffindor. I would advise you in the future to plan a bit more wisely. And before I forget, Happy Birthday Mr. Lupin. That is all, good day, gentlemen.” That was that. No expulsion, no revocation of Prefect badges. Once we were out of the office, Re lightly banged his head against the nearest wall while crouched on my knees. But all is well now. I think Re won’t be “in the mood” for a couple of days. Getting caught by a friend is one thing, but by a grandfather type who is headmaster? That’s a few levels up on the embarrassment scale.

 

**16 March 1978, Supper**  
Got down and dirty with some Venomous Tentacula in Herbology this afternoon. No one was injured, thank god. Re and I have had a fight. A real one, not some lover’s tiff about stupid shite. He bit me during our birthday celebration; I didn’t feel it. He says I’m lying. I really didn’t feel him biting me. What I did feel was the most earth-shattering orgasm I had ever had in my entire life. There’s a mark just under my collarbone on the left side of my chest. Appropriate location, no? And he’s pissed off at me because I’m not pissed off at him. Apparently the claiming stuff isn’t all bollocks. Good, he’s finally looking me in the eyes how can he be so happy? I’m an animal. I’m disgusting What the fuck was that? Oh, fuck; I think we can read each other’s minds. Sirius, if you think one sexual thought right now, I’ll kill you But what if I really want to show you what I’m going to do to you tonight? He had to close his eyes; he growled too. Knock it off! This is serious and don’t say it. Maybe we should see Dumbledore? Why? I think he knew this might happen. Didn’t you see the way he was examining us in his office yesterday? Oh, yeah. How about after supper? Okay.

**9:00 p.m.**  
Yep, he was “examining” us. He said he suspected this would happen eventually. It is kind of like “claiming” or “mating” or as Dumbledore says “How do you think old married couples are able to finish each other’s sentences?” Now we know where that expression comes from. Re and I being wizards, there is a blood charm that can be done to cause this; Re being a werewolf and wizard, well, no blood charm is needed, just an intense bond. And I’m not explaining this in the right order. I just want to get everything down; I’ll analyse it later. I’m magical, Re’s doubly so. Muggles refer to this concept of “soul mates” a lot. You know, “I felt like I knew him for ages when we first met” or “it’s like we can read each other’s minds” and so on. And that’s what’s been happening. We’re soul mates, literally. We’re inexplicably drawn to each other. Dumbledore said as soon as he saw James, Remus, and I together, he knew we shared that soul connection. Obviously with James it has manifested itself as a brotherly connection. There isn’t anything one of us would not do for the others. And, this whole mind-reading thing kicked in with Re and I because the intensity of our bond stepped up a couple of notches when we started sleeping together. Or fell in love. So, the amount of magic we share, the length of our friendship, the depth of our bond, and the intensity of our relationship have triggered this very rare occurrence. Remus feels a little better, but he had to ask if this would have happened had he not been a werewolf. Dumbledore said probably not, but we still would have been hypersensitive to each other’s emotions at the very least. We work together like a well-oiled machine. We fit together. I don’t know; it all still sounds a bit confusing to me.

 

**17 March 1978, Lunch**  
Dancing Leprechauns at breakfast. We’re good, really good. Course, had to get Lily’s help with the shamrock confetti. The staff appreciated it. It was one of our most harmless pranks. We might not do anything on April Fool’s Day as our April Fools. I need to discuss this with James; this idea does not have anything to do with my inability to think of anything clever to pull. Full moon is in 3 days. And the forced abstinence is in full effect. I think I might be able to break it this time with this mind-reading stuff. Just got to keep sending Re some very suggestive imagery. Oh, yeah, that’s a good one. Goddamn it Sirius! Not when I’m trying to eat! Don’t you want to eat me? Not telling you again, back the fuck off! Ouch, that hurt. I just want some loving from Remus, is that too much to ask?

We’re cut-off from the outside world here at Hogwarts. Once we’re done, anything could happen out there. We could die... Remus, look at me. Please look at me. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. You know, once we’re on our own we could very well be killed or worse. Oh god, Sirius, I didn’t mean, it’s just the moon, and the wolf is close, and I don’t think I can control him. Padfoot does. You know he does. A nod, and he’s back to reading his book. I like watching how the sun plays on Re’s hair. Copper and gold sparkling in the sun. I can feel your eyes on me. Just watching the sun in your hair, Re. I’m feeling a bit poetic. A smile. Class in ten minutes. I could watch him all day. As I could you.

 

**20 March 1978, Breakfast**  
I got what I wanted, and I’m a little sore. But hell, I can deal with that once a month. Remus seems a little distant this morning... Just have to remember to keep grinning stupidly at him and not grimace when I sit down. I’m still thinking about last night. Lily helped us put a soundproof charm around my bed. Re and I didn’t stop until we both passed out around 3 this morning. Five hours of sex = sore and tired. But I’d do it again in a second. We’ve also got to the point where we don’t have to be looking at each other to read each other’s thoughts.... Oh, boy, that’s why Re’s so distant. Just caught a bit of what he’s thinking and if I write it down I’ll come. Remus, is it like this every full moon? Sirius, Christ! Yeah, it is. Wow, you do have amazing self-control. Broom cupboard, third floor? What? I heard you, you heard me; now move Remus...

**Lunch**  
If we keep this up, Padfoot and Moony will be too tired to run tonight! I’m going to take a nap this afternoon. Need, want, Sirius, now, want to... Remus, I’m trying to write here! An interesting picture he paints for me. Oh, fuck. Exactly. Okay, we just did it in the transfiguration classroom: note to self- do not look at McGonagall’s desk anymore. Sirius, I need you now. God, I need you. Please, love, please. I want to... another lovely image. Wait a minute, Remus, are you just doing this to prove a point? Remus? The line has gone dead. Is this supposed to be some kind of “see what you get when you push me lesson?” You liked what we did last night? Well, yes, I couldn’t handle it every night, but as a special treat, Hell yes! You are mental. But you love me for it. I think naps are in order this afternoon.

 

**22 March 1978, 5:00 p.m.**  
Re’s asleep upstairs. Everyone is down at supper. I don’t want to tell him what happened last night. Moony and Padfoot got a little frisky. Okay, Moony humped Padfoot, which freaked out Prongs, James almost changed back. Luckily Wormtail was under some tree roots exploring. I’m still a little weirded out by it. I think I liked it. Padfoot liked it anyway. Thankfully, Remus rarely remembers anything about his transformations. He’d be mortified. Shite. He’s just woke up and is in the common room. His voice sounds so raspy.  
“Sirius?”  
“You should be in bed.”  
“Something happened last night, didn’t it?”  
“What? No.”  
“I knew it. What did I do?”  
“Wasn’t your fault. Er, wormtail got lost and I had to sniff him out.”  
“No, that’s not it. I did something different; I can tell.”  
“Well, Moony and Padfoot did wrestle a bit longer than usual.”  
“I don’t think that’s it. Moony seems content, satisfied. He’s never like that the day after.”  
Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.  
“Sirius? Sirius. Look at me.”  
He knows. I know he knows and he’s going to freak out.  
“Sirius, did I... oh god, did I, Er, force myself on you?”  
“No. No you did not. We were playing and one thing kind of led to another. Now get back upstairs and rest. I promise I’ll talk about this later. You need your rest.”  
“Siri...”  
“Mr Padfoot suggests that Mr Moony should take some rest before engaging in a discussion on the aforementioned topic. Love you, you know.”  
“I know. Love you too.”  
Finally he goes back upstairs. Oh, god, now I have to tell him I kind of enjoyed it. He’s going to kill me...

**6:46 p.m.**  
....But not if James does first. Well, that was another lovely shouting match between myself and James. Apparently I never think with my proper brain (if I even have one), I’m a pervert, and I need to commit myself to St. Mungo’s immediately. Hey, he didn’t have to watch you know. I asked him what’s more perverted, doing the act or watching it. Too angry for words, he took off for the library. I’m going up to the dorm. I did promise Re we would talk about this. Now I’m dreading what he’ll say. Maybe I should cut to the chase and say: “I know you’ll be disgusted with me and never be able to look at me again, but I enjoyed what we did last night. Padfoot needed it, so did Moony. Maybe it won’t happen again, but if it does, I wouldn’t object. I love all of you Remus and I just wanted to show you how much.” Sirius, come upstairs, I want to talk to you. Yes, I just heard what you thought. What gods deemed me worthy to deserve you? Come upstairs love and rest with me. Sod our roommates. Will do.

 

**23 March 1978, Lunch**  
Ancient Runes this morning. I ended up staying in Re’s bed until we got up for class this morning. Thankfully, he said we didn’t need to talk about what happened. We didn’t really talk either; we just stayed in bed all night- no sex. Too tired for that anyway. Just, comfortable silence. Frank just asked me what’s going on with James. I said I didn’t know.

Had a lovely conversation with Remus about what’s wrong with James, April Fool’s, and the fact that contrary to popular belief, April Fool’s is not my favourite holiday—that honour belongs to Christmas. Presents, garish decorations, singing ridiculous songs off-key, loudly and drunkenly, and strategically placed mistletoe. Oh! April Fool’s Idea! Make it Christmas with enchanted mistletoe—disillusioned and desire charmed. Will require an army to carry out, but it is our last year and all. Need to go out in style. Let’s see, recruit some underclassmen to help put up the mistletoe. Maybe give them amulets for protection for helping... No, wait. No amulets, that way it can’t be traced back to those who implemented the prank. Hey, I’m starting to think like Remus! Damn, are we becoming an old, married couple?

 

**26 March 1978, 4:40 p.m.**  
Remus has disappeared. It’s free period and no one knows where he is. He’s not on the map. So, I’m going to see Dumbledore in his office. I hope Re’s okay; he didn’t give any indication of being upset or anything happening that would make him leave school. Good, Dumbledore’s here. Maybe now I’ll get some answers.

**5:00 p.m.**  
No go on the answers. Just “it’s Remus’ decision whether or not to keep you informed of his whereabouts.” So, I asked if this disappearance had anything to do with the private chat Moody had with Remus. Dumbledore had no idea I’d seen that. Then he dismissed me before I could ask any more questions. I’m starting to think that moody is training Re to be an unofficial Auror. There’s something going on and I’m not liking it. Secrets only served to hurt people.

 

**27 March 1978, 9:45 a.m.**  
Still no further on the sneaking around Remus has been doing. And Peter lost the map. There goes our family heirloom. Luckily, Pete managed to wipe it before Filch picked it up. I went to breakfast early today and am now safely cocooned in my bed. I expect my friends to be back shortly. Sirius, are you awake? I’m ignoring him. Not answering back. Just going to stay in my bed and get a head start on some homework. There should be no secrets between lovers. If I have kept his secret for so long, why can’t he trust me with this new one? I mean, come on! He can suck me off in the boys’ showers, but can’t let me know where he was yesterday afternoon? Oh, goodie! He’s back in the dorm.  
“Sirius, you’re awake?”  
“Duh.”  
“You didn’t answer me.”  
“Busy doing homework and stop tickling my feet!”  
“Then don’t poke them out from the curtains. What are you working on?”  
“Nothing I need your help for.”  
“Is something wrong?”  
“Nope. Everything is just dandy.”  
“Sirius.”  
“Remus.”  
“God damn it! If this is about yesterday, you know I can’t tell you!”  
“No, but you could suck me off in public so I would forget what we were talking about.”  
“That was hardly public.”  
“Gryffindor Boys’ showers are quite public.”  
“No one came in.”  
“But they could have. And anyway, I seem to remember you being quite mortified when James caught me giving you a blow job.”  
“Sirius, would you...”  
“I guess you’re eager to show off your fuck toy, aren’t you? Because that’s what I’m feeling like lately; friends and lovers don’t hide things from each other. Fuck toys are expendable and don’t need to know anything.”  
“Sirius, when, and only when you are capable of having a civilised conversation will I speak to you again.”  
Slam the door on your way out too, drama queen.

**11:15 a.m.**  
James just helped me finish repairing all the furniture I broke after Remus left. He’s keeping his mouth shut; he let me rant and rave while I was trashing the room. It’s good to have a mate like that, you know? The room looks good. James is sitting on his bed; he just started reading. I suppose he’s hanging around in case I want to “talk.” Footsteps in the hall, Peter’s just come back.  
“Is it safe?”  
“Yeah, I didn’t mean to scare you, Peter.”  
“You really caused a stir; they could hear you two floors below.”  
“Common room too?”  
“Nope. Safe there. Just the 5th and 6th year dorms.”  
“Good.”  
“May I ask why?”  
“You need to ask?”  
“Just thought I wouldn’t jump to conclusions.”  
“Jump away, Pete. Jump away.”

**11:40 a.m.**  
So what does the bastard do? He started jumping on my bed. Then James joined in, bringing his pillow with. Next thing I knew, we were having a fucking pillow fight! We’re guys for Christ’s sake! Girls have pillow fights, guys don’t. We have bedding battles or Pillow wars! Yeah, that’s it! We had an all-out Pillow War! It’s safe to say my mood has improved much this past hour. Still ticked off at Remus though.


	5. April

**1 April 1978 9:45 a.m.  
 _“Ding dong merrily on high, the Christmas bells are ringing...”_** Still, I’m not enjoying this as much as I should. We aren’t going to get caught, the enchanted mistletoe had Bella molesting Snivellus (that almost made me lose my breakfast), but still, it was perfect. And Remus and I haven’t said a single word to each other in five days. Even Lily has said that we’re being too stubborn. That is very bad when she says it. Tomorrow is Friday. Let’s see if he disappears again.  
  
Currently I am in HoM class. We put up three bunches of mistletoe in here and disillusioned them. Let’s see... Uh-oh! Lily’s sitting under one. James is going get it! He getting some now, but I want front row seats to that fight! Never mind, I don’t want those seats. I forgot that since I had a hand in this I’d get yelled at too. _For fuck’s sake, Sirius, put that thing away before you get caught!_ Bugger off! Lovely, we break the silence only to start fighting. Going to disappear tomorrow? _That’s none of your concern! Now, pay attention!_ Yes, mother.  
  
  
 **8:00 p.m.**  
And it just got bitchier after that. I think Re and I have trounced James and Lily in the fight department. Definitely not in the raised-voices category, but in everything else. Don’t want to talk about it either. We’ve resorted to the Narrow-eyed Stare of Death when we’re in the same room. Easter break next week. Oh, god Re, I love you, but this is killing me.  
  
“Then knock it off.”  
  
“I didn’t mean this fight, pillock. I meant the fact that you don’t trust me.”  
  
“I trust you, Sirius.”  
  
“No you don’t.”  
  
“Just because I don’t tell you one tiny, little thing”  
  
“It means you don’t trust me. If it’s only a little thing”  
  
“I can’t tell you. I promised not to tell.”  
  
“Bollocks! Who would I tell? I never told anyone about your...”  
  
“No, no, you showed them, didn’t you?  
  
“Damn it, Remus! This isn’t about...”  
  
“It is and it is not. Two years after that incident are we or are we not lovers?”  
  
“Not currently.”  
  
“That’s because you’re thick and stubborn and incapable of rational thought! If you would think for one moment”  
  
“I’d see you have a great big stick up your arse, Professor. I am not a child.”  
  
“Fine, then stop acting like one.”  
  
Some more death glaring....  
  
“Sirius? Are you?”  
  
“You are too.”  
  
“Maybe, maybe we should take a break?”  
  
“Next round, five minutes?”  
  
“From each other. At least until we’ve calmed down and figured this out.”  
  
“I don’t know. Maybe. No. We are not quitting. I do not quit.”  
  
“Don’t I know it.”  
  
“I mean it, I’m not giving up on us, on you.”  
  
“Sirius, it’s regrouping. I think we’ve become too dependent on each other.”  
  
This is where I snort in disbelief and give him the “you must be crazy” look.  
  
“Okay, I need to think this through, you’ve already come to your own conclusion. Just give me a couple of days, Sirius.”  
  
Remus...  
  
  
 **3 April 1978 11:20 a.m.**  
Hogsmeade today. Lily cast the charm. I’m in the Three Broomsticks waiting for it to take hold. Peter’s got the camera ready; he’s following Severus Snivellus, excuse me. Can’t believe I almost used his given name. Damn, I must be slipping. I’ve got other things on my mind. ‘Lo James, nice of you to plop down at my table uninvited. Apparently, I’m always writing in this stupid notebook and stop writing down everything he says. Sirius, he means it! I’m just having a laugh, would he rather I piss and moan to him 24 hours a day? I don’t think he would. Although, I put up with “Evans this” and “Evans that” for nearly six years. James just bristled at something. Oh, fucking great. The bitch-whose-birth-canal-I-once-passed-th rough is here with her favourite niece, Narcissa son-to-be Malfoy and her fiancé Lucius. My week went from bad to sucks big, hairy moose balls. Regulus is kissing arse; oh, looky, Snivellus just came in. Bella’s dragging him over to meet the family. He looks thrilled... Hmm, who would have thought that Snivellus and I would have something in common—mutual disdain for my blood relations. Well, not all of them. Just the ones who my mother didn’t disown. Oh, shite! Peter needs to do the counter-curse! Told them we’d get in trouble for it, but really it’s an act of mercy. Least I could do seeing how my stupidity almost killed him once. Fuck, Lucius has got Peter cornered. Oh everlasting, fucking Hell, he’s following Peter back here. Do not kill the Malfoy. James, we must not kill the Malfoy.

**12:06 p.m.**  
Always a fascinating conversation whenever Lucius is around. He’s being followed. Not by Aurors, but by Dumbledore’s spies. Paranoid much, Lucy? They’re tailing my dear, old, mother as well. Lucius and Ma-ma are not pleased. I am. Ha ha ha and ho ho ho. Lucius knew all about it, some kind of secret Voldemort resistance called the Order of the Phoenix. Crouch can’t do anything about it because: 1) no concrete evidence of its existence, and 2) they haven’t broken any laws that he knows of. They’re like vigilante Aurors. FUUUUCCK! Now I know what Remus has been doing. That’s what Moody is training him for. The Order. Damn. Remus is the coolest Marauder of all of us!

 

**4 April 1978 2:35 p.m.**  
Have recovered from encounter yesterday. Have not shared my deductions with anyone. Easter Break starts Wednesday. James and Peter are leaving, don’t know what Frank’s doing. Peter’s going home and James is going to Lily’s. Uh-oh, that is serious. Hmm, just thought of something that didn’t occur to me before. Of course I just thought of it if it didn’t....Anyway, I wonder if Remus told his parents about “us.” Not like there’s an “us” currently...Grumble... Okay, he was a little bit right in taking a break, if we kept at the current pace, we would have consumed each other by the end of the school year. If I forgot something as important as Remus’ parents, damn, we really were too obsessed with each other. Couldn’t see the forest for the trees and other such rubbish clichés.

 

**5 April 1978 Lunch**  
I shared my revelation with Remus last night. About forgetting certain people. He said that his parents knew and approved. Damn, wish I were that lucky. Wait, I am: James, James’ parents, Remus, Remus’ parents, Peter, Andy & Ted, Lily. Okay, I do have a pretty decent family. And it’s one I chose; I have really excellent taste! _What’s so funny?_ Nothing, just commenting on my excellent taste. I can hear your eyes rolling, love. _Sirius..._ What, I can’t call you “love?” I thought so. Back to my journal entry... Brilliant adopted family. Frank has just let me know that he’s going home for Easter as well. An empty dorm? Hmm, maybe I should not be so stubborn. No sex since the 26th of March. It’s been 10 days, and it’s Monday. Two more days until make-up sex. I’d be happy if he’d just let me touch him. Hold his hand, run my fingers through his hair; it’s a bit thicker and silkier than it looks. I love playing with hair, which is why I keep mine short. My hands would be in it all day. I miss smelling him; he smells like the earth and the wind. And the sun, yes, definitely a sunny scent to him. I miss him. I miss waking up next to him in the morning. I miss the way he wakes up; very groggily he rolls over onto me, smacks his lips, flops his arm across my chest, and burrows his head in the crook of my arm. He nuzzles me, in other words. I want to wake up like that for the rest of my life!

Lovely. I just shared these very poetic and personal thoughts with the illustrious Miss Evans and she teased me. Women! I’m glad I’m gay. “Oooh, Sirius, you’ve got it baadd!” Really? I hadn’t noticed!

 

**7 April 1978 7:00 p.m.**  
Our dorm is empty and Re and I aren’t making with the make-up sex. Yet. And I stress YET. Give me time, I’ll have us naked and writhing as soon as I can drag his arse away from the ruddy library. He’s made study tables for us. Okay, N.E.W.T.s are in 7 weeks. Better get cracking. The teachers have started reviews in class. Between them and these study tables, I’ll do just fine. I told him about what Lucius said. Re told Dumbledore. So now I’m involved too. Moody thinks it would be good to have another man on the inside. He wants me to keep an eye on Crouch, make sure he doesn’t give the Aurors too much leeway in apprehending subjects. “It is best when fighting monsters to make sure one does not become a monster in the process.” So, I go become an Auror and see who’s on the up and up. Sounds easy, and boring. But my day job would be enough excitement for any normal person. Who says I’m normal anyway? I’m a thrill seeker! A “bloody pervert thrill seeker,” I copped a feel in the library earlier. Re sent me to bed without supper, so to speak.

 

**11:30 p.m.**  
Damn it! I fell asleep and Remus snuck in. He’s put some kind of ward around his bed, He even put up a note warning me: “I’ve placed some highly effective wards on my bed so you can’t molest me in my sleep. Remus.” Bloody Bastard! 12 fucking days! A wank in the shower just doesn’t cut it anymore. I mean, we’ve apologised and everything and still no sex! No cuddling, nothing! And now he’s sending me such lovely imagery that DOES NOT HELP my current predicament. Grumble! AAARRGH!

“STOP IT!”

“Or you’ll do what, exactly? Whine some more?”

“Fucking tease!”

“A ‘fucking tease?’ Don’t those two cancel each other? A tease, who is fucking, is no longer a tease.”

“You want to tease and torment? Fine. Take this!”

“Is that all you got, Sirius? I’ll have you begging in five minutes!”

“I’ll have you grovelling in one!”

 

**11 April 1978 2:30 p.m.**  
Everyone will be back by 4 today. There goes our love nest/orgy fest. I really need to convince Remus to move in with me after graduation. He doesn’t seem completely opposed to the idea, but he’s been going on about savouring his independence. He has his pride, you know. I told him he could buy the groceries and cook seeing how I’d just end up poisoning us. I know there’s a lot to be said for the feeling of independence, but there’s so much more to be said for sharing/making a home with the person you love most. I’ll take the latter over the former any day. Hmm, better wake up Remus and take a shower. Oh, and I guess we better get dressed. They’ll be back in an hour. I kind of got used to not wearing clothes the past couple of days. Need to find time to write about Saturday morning, that’s a great story.

 

**12 April 1978 Breakfast**  
Things have returned to normal. I think. Or maybe they’ve settled down. That’s it. Re and I aren’t doing the constant S & G; we’re comfortable with each other. I suppose spending four days in your own, private nudist colony helps with that also. Now we have even more private joke moments. Peter looks so confused. We have transfiguration today. Still can’t look at McGonagall’s desk without getting a stupid grin on my face. Divination in fifteen minutes. Should have dropped it after O.W.L.s but the teacher is all right. I just don’t put much faith in the subject. Bit dodgy to me that the alignment of the planets can tell you when you’ll catch a cold. This centaur I met once, Firenze, agrees with my assessment. He’s the only one I’ve met, and he seemed rather engaging for the reclusive nature of centaurs. I suppose he’s not as wary of humans as the rest. Anyway, that’s a story for when I have more time to write. Got to go to the North Tower now.

 

**Lunch**  
Forgot to write about Saturday morning. Re and I hadn’t been to breakfast Thursday and Friday; we were about to miss it that morning as well. Thankfully, our wonderful head of house decided to prevent this tragedy. So, Professor McGonagall barged into our dormitory with the intent to rouse us. We were asleep, actually. She happened to get an eyeful of naked Remus and Sirius tangled in each other and the bed sheets. Need to tell James about this. Perhaps he and McGonagall could form a support group. Maybe I should skive off transfiguration and save her the embarrassment.

“Oi, Sirius! Why does Remus get that tick whenever I mention Transfiguration?”

“I don’t know James. Maybe he’s scared of the bunnies.”

“That’s right, Bunny Slipper review today. And that’s not it. No, you, he and McGonagall can’t seem to meet each other’s gaze.”

“What do you think we were up to? Some kind of orgy?”

“Oh dear lord, no! I hope not! Please tell me it did not involve shagging.”

“It didn’t involve shagging, per se...”

“Good, I’ve had too much experience walking in on...Wait, it did involve some aspect of shagging, didn’t it? Bloody Hell! She did walk in on you!”

“We were asleep! She was concerned because we hadn’t gone to breakfast the past two days. So, she decided to wake us up Saturday morning before we missed breakfast again.”

“And you two were naked.”

“As the day we were born. Completely starkers. The old bird needs some excitement. At least we finally got dressed an hour before you guys came back.”

“Good. Didn’t need...Wait, an hour before....Damn it, Sirius! Stop laughing!”

“But you’re too funny James! Especially when you look like an overripe tomato. Your face matches Lily’s hair!”

“Mark my words, I will have my revenge for all of this Black. You will regret every single entendre, every lurid, rude comment you have recently made in your vain attempts to embarrass me.”

Oh, I’m scared. James will bore me with tales of Lily’s family and such. I wonder if he got to meet her sister?

 

**13 April 1978 8:00 p.m.**  
Bloody James Wanker Potter! Fucking hell, man! He charmed the back of my pants, all of them mind you, to read: “Property of Remus J. Lupin.” Then he put a Disillusionment charm on my robes. He kept doing that at random all morning. Dumbledore had to put a stop to it after lunch. He said that James would make too much work for the house elves with me changing my clothes after every class. And I thought that at least Remus would share in my utter humiliation. No. He was laughing the hardest! Thank god we did not have classes with the Slytherins today, but they will still hear about the incident. That’s the only rule about pranking each other: no humiliation in front of the Slytherins. Thank god Lily headed off Snivellus at supper tonight. I might have got expelled. I’m sure I’ll laugh about this in the future, perhaps the year 2030. I can’t believe Re laughed at that today. Okay, I’ll forgive him the first few minutes because it was funny, but after that it’s just cruel. James does not know when to quit; in fact, there is a lot he doesn’t know. And I just got a wicked idea. Tattoo on his forehead: “Vacancy. Space for rent. 1 Knut.” Think I’ll put it on in time for Potions tomorrow. I love breaking rules.

 

**14 April 1978 Lunch**  
The tattoo has worn off. James is not happy. At all. We had a good laugh in Potions today. He humiliates me in front of the whole school for a half day so I humiliate him in front of the Slytherins for two hours. I’d call that even. I’ve never got James this angry before. Wait, yeah I have, the Willow incident. He was much more angry during that time. He’ll get over this. I think he’s more upset that I blatantly broke our rule. He broke it first however indirectly. Besides, I’m Sirius Black, rule-breaker extraordinaire! I’ve got a reputation to maintain. Transfiguration today. She still hasn’t called on me to demonstrate anything. She usually calls on me at least once a lesson. I suppose we damaged the poor, old dear.

 

**9:00 p.m.**  
I just got out of Detention with Flitwick. I hexed my ex-brother, Furnuculus curse. Let’s say that he pushed the correct button. I could have rung his neck with my bare hands. No points taken. Flitwick had caught the tail end of Regulus’ taunting and my hexing. He had to assign me detention which was easy. I had to help him clean up his classroom and set up for his first lesson tomorrow morning; I could use magic. Decent guy, Filius Flitwick. He has a really excellent sense of humour.

 

**15 April 1978 Breakfast**  
My best mate still isn’t speaking to me. Remus says I should apologise. Yeah, right. Not when Snivellus keeps asking me if I still have my head up the private property of Remus J. Lupin. I’m itching to hex him, but that would mean expulsion. N.E.W.T.s in less than six weeks. The Ravenclaws are testy, the Hufflepuffs are strung out, and the Slytherins and Gryffindors are behaving like they always do. Evans just asked me if I’m keeping to Remus’ tables. Wanted to say something smart back, but restrained myself. She’s on my side; don’t need to piss her off. Regulus just dropped me a little love letter, how touching. Check for hexes, poisons, and such. All clear, maybe I should burn it... No, I’ll read it and put it up on the “Sirius Black is a Disgrace to the Noble and Ancient House of Black” board we’ve started in our dorm.

Poor, little Siri. All alone in detention last night without his little werewolf whore. However did you manage? I believe Mother could do worse than disown you when she finds out.  
~Regulus


Fuuuuuccckk! Fucking Hell! James, need James. This is important! Snivellus snitched, only explanation.

 

**8:15 p.m.**  
Regulus figured it out all by himself. James, Remus, Peter and I had an emergency meeting in Myrtle’s bathroom after breakfast. We decided to play it off but still tell Dumbledore. James did that before lunch. Dumbledore was a bit upset that we didn’t come to him straightaway, but understood our reason to play it off. Catastrophe averted for the time being. Regulus could still tell my mother this summer as Remus will have graduated Hogwarts by then. No one is supposed to know while he is attending school. Which reminds me, full moon on the 19th.

 

**17 April 1978 12:15p.m.**  
Ate lunch in record time. Got the moon all planned out. I was studying for N.E.W.T.s this morning, herbology. We’re saving the more complicated subjects, like potions, for last. Andy owled me some advice for the tests and Auror training. Cool cousin, very cool. She always comes through for me. I’m currently reviewing Astronomy notes from Friday. Re had training again. I’m thinking about asking him if I can join him. Uncle Alphard just sent me some official looking parchment. Holy shit! He’s giving me his old cottage for graduation if I want it. I’d have to give up the flat though. The cottage has two bedrooms, a sitting room, kitchen, and dining room. It’s on quite a bit of forest. Sounds cosy. Maybe this will convince Remus to move in with me. His latest argument was how do you hide a werewolf in a flat in the middle of London? Now I have an appropriately logical answer for Mr. Rational. An enchanted cottage in the middle of nowhere. Oh dear, I’ve missed a food fight at the Gryffindor table. Remus is off to shower. I think I’ll ambush him. Must remember to send Lily a spectacular thank you gift.

 

**7:00p.m.**  
Why is he so bloody stubborn? And why is he so sensitive about being so bloody stubborn? When he rebuked my latest idea, I replied by saying that he’d never get anything this nice on his own; if he did, he wouldn’t be living there for long. I hate bringing it up, but it’s true. And it really pisses me off how closed-minded the wizarding community can be. Anyway, I’ve really angered Mr. Rational, or should I say, Mr. Irrational? I don’t know how to calm him down. I believe I might have hurt his pride, which was not my intention. Is it so wrong to want to spend as much time as I can with Remus? Maybe he doesn’t want to feel dependent upon me. He must be off his rocker if he thinks that! Remus is one of the most independent people I know! He never asks for help, and he has a hard time accepting it when he needs it. Yet, he’s always the one who volunteers his aid to others. I don’t want to “support” him; I just want him to move in for my own selfish, lascivious reasons!

 

**18 April 1978 3:20 p.m.**  
I am getting terribly addicted to make-up sex. Must not start fights to get it. I do not like fighting with the people I care most about. I had enough animosity in my childhood home to last several lifetimes. No more problems with Regulus, which is good. No pranks since April Fools, except for James. Sex this morning. Yes, life is good. Now, if I could get everyone to lighten up about N.E.W.T.s life would be perfect. I suppose I should crack down and study. I do need at least outstanding levels in all subjects to be considered for Auror training. My journal break is over since Remus is glaring at me. Yes, I know I need to study since I want to become an Auror. I just don’t see the need to get my knickers in a twist over it. _You don’t wear knickers._ Oh really? Are you sure? _Just put away the journal and get your arse over here! To study!_ Fine, spoil my fun.

 

**19 April 1978 Lunch**  
Full moon tonight. All of these people are starting to bother Remus. He’s ready to jump out of his skin. His senses are heightened the day of and morning after the full. I still haven’t convinced him to move in with me. I can understand his need to not feel dependent upon someone, but that’s not what I’m offering. I’m offering a home that he can share with me, equal partners. He can help pay for whatever needs paying for and take care of the meals because I’ll either set fire to the house, or starve us, or poison us, or possibly all three at once! It’s for my own good for him to move in with me. See? I’m dependent upon him for my survival. See what happens to logic in my hands? Anyway, I’m trying to keep myself occupied and not worry about the ex-family. I’m sure Mother has burnt me off the family tapestry by now. She still has Regulus to produce heirs to “The Ancient and most Noble House of Black.” A whole bunch of inbred, pureblood-manifesto spewing spawn. Almost want to sleep with a woman to have my own line. Almost. I cannot handle nappies, tantrums, snotty noses, discipline- how much of a hypocrite would I be then? Plus, I just do not have the heart for it. James and Lily better start cracking; I need a whole bunch of children to indoctrinate, er, teach certain truths about life. Remus and I can be the cool uncles; I’m the one who lets them get away with bloody murder and Remus is the one who has the strong shoulder. Not that my shoulder is weak, but I fit the other role a bit more. I suppose we’d be a little like Uncle Alphard. He’s made sure that all of my needs are taken care of. Time for class. Damn, and I was on a roll too.

 

**Supper**  
Plans are set. Moonrise is at 8:45 tonight. Hopefully Moony and Padfoot won’t be so frisky this time. I don’t need to damage poor Prongs any further. Even if he does deserve it. Well, nothing much else exciting has happened, so I’ll just get ready for our run tonight. James just pissed off Lily for not telling her where he’ll be tonight. She knows he and I are animagi; she just doesn’t know what we do in our forms.

 

**22 April 1978 8:30 p.m.**  
Just another quiet Wednesday night. Remus has a Prefect meeting until 9. I suppose they’re going over May’s patrol schedule. And I am quite sore from extra Quidditch practice. If James doesn’t let up soon... Although, I do want to pound those Slytherins into the ground too. Lily is still furious with James. She believes him to be hiding something, like another woman. I think we can tell her about Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. She is trustworthy and open-minded. Well, back to my scheduled studying courtesy of Remus J. Lupin.

**9:10 p.m.**  
Remus is not back from his Prefects’ meeting. I’m done studying for the night. Have done my homework. I have all the time in the world. Naturally, Remus got his work done before the meeting. He better not suggest more N.E.W.T. work when he gets back. I’m horny as sin. Should I borrow James’ cloak and surprise Remus in the halls? Could be interesting. Another time, I suppose. Re just came in. There goes yet another of my brilliant seduction plans. He looks disturbed, like there’s storm clouds following him. Oh, there ARE—James and Lily followed behind him and stomped up to their respective dorms. I assume they have put him in the middle of one of their fights. Glad it’s not me this time. _Fucking hell, Sirius! Now I know what you went through the past six years!_ James just ruined my plans, you know. _What, senseless shagging until we pass out?_ You know me too well. _I don’t know about you, but I could go for a nice, long, hot bubble bath about now. What do you say, love?_ You really need to ask?

 

**25 April 1978 3:40 p.m.**  
We have beaten Ravenclaw. We play Slytherin for the Cup the third Saturday in May. I was able to watch Remus’ training yesterday, wasn’t allowed to participate. It looked intense. He and Moody were duelling, and not that duelling club shite. They were really going for it. Remus used all these different shield spells and fired around them to get Moody. The old man can still move. I think Remus’ werewolf reflexes give him a bit of an advantage though. He was amazing! I am so proud of him. Enough praise, time to study for N.E.W.T.s. May is going to be so boring. All work and no play, and Quidditch doesn’t count as play when James is captain. I still haven’t got Remus to agree to move in with me. I refuse to give up!


	6. May

**1 May 1978 4:55 p.m.**  
Remus is due back from training any minute. We never told James and Peter what he's been doing. I've been revising DADA during free period. I'm fairly confident in my knowledge. _Ugh. I'm done. I'm stopping for a shower on my way back._ Okay then. I'll wait in the dormitory and we can go down together. _Excuse me? I do hope you meant go down to supper._ That's what I said, isn't it. Oh, skipped some words. Sorry. _S'okay. See you in a bit._ Not enough time to give him a massage. I'll save it for after supper.  
  
James and Lily have made up. Fought, made up, fought some more, and made up again. She really does have the temper of a red-head. Just don't tell her that. James is in "tyrant" mode again. I'm getting a bit sick of it now. _Mmmm... That feels **goood...**_ Remus, could you perhaps keep your thoughts in the shower? _Sorry, Sirius, but after that training, this water is just sinful. Almost as good as your hands._ I'm coming in. _Stay where you are._ Fine. You're a horrible tease, you know. _I know. I'm almost done._ I'm not.  
  
  
 **Supper**  
Always fun surprising Moony in the shower. Must ask him to return the favour.  
"Why are you grinning, Black?"  
"No reason, Frank."  
"You had sex again. Do you always look this stupid afterwards?"  
"You'd have to ask Remus. On second thought, let's not embarrass him further."  
  
I'm really going to miss this place. I've had a lot of fun here. Time to go out into the real world. Okay, five weeks until graduation. 3 weeks until NEWT's! Better start studying! I cannot believe I just wrote that! I must be coming down with something.  
  
 **2 May 1978 11:00 a.m.**  
I hate James. I really hate James. He had the audacity to wake me up at 5:30 this morning. 5:30! I was happily asleep next to Remus in his bed having a particularly pleasant dream and James had to go and ruin it. All so he could proceed to yell himself hoarse at sleepy Gryffindors on the Quidditch pitch. Michael Jones dozed off and nearly fell off his broom. James was not pleased. I think that Gwen Hoffstead may have something to do with James losing his voice. She's a third year, but her Hoarse Hex is definitely something. So, we all trudged into breakfast thoroughly exhausted. James still hasn't got his voice back. I must remember to congratulate Gwen on a job well done. She's our seeker; very good, small and swift. It helps that her dad works for the Nimbus company in R &D. Michael's a 4th year chaser. His sister, Hestia is a first year Ravenclaw. Anyway, I got in a two hour nap after breakfast so I feel better now. Remus is looking through the Daily Prophet. I think I'll ask for the crossword, keeps me from babbling in this thing. Is he looking at the rentals page?  
  
"What are you growling for?"  
"You're looking at rentals."  
"Yes, and it's of your concern because?"  
"You know why."  
"Your glare of death is becoming quite old. Sirius, it's my life and I will live it how I choose."  
"Right. I suppose my opinion means nothing then. My feelings mean nothing. I mean--"  
"Sirius!"  
"I'm just being honest, because that's how I feel."  
"Either you can't or won't see this from my perspective. I am tired of having everyone 'take care' of me. I can do that on my own. I don't need to be mollycoddled, babysat or anything of the like."  
"When have I ever done those things?"  
  
 _After every transformation. Whenever I get the snuffles._ Sniffles. _Sirius, don't correct me._ Fine, "snuffles" it is. And did you ever think that I do those things NOT because I don't think you can take care of yourself, but because I love you and don't want to see you suffer? And as for the "morning after" you fucking do need help! It takes a LOT out of you and I'll be damned if I let your stubborn arse make things worse. I want to make the pain go away. _But you CAN'T._ I have to try.  
  
"Are you two having another 'silent' fight?"  
"Glad to see you got your voice back, James."  
"And you had nothing to do with that, Sirius."  
"Nope. Ask Gwen Hoffstead."  
"Gwen? Little Gwen?"  
"Hmm, little? Maybe that's why she did it."  
"I need to have a talk with her."  
  
 _No, Sirius. No more discussion. I have to do this even if it is an exercise in futility._ If it doesn't work out, my offer still stands. _I know. Ever stubborn._ Ever constant. I'll always be here for you, I promise.  
  
 **3 May 1978 7:35 a.m.**  
Watching Remus sleep, wish I had some artistic ability to draw this. . I'm sitting at the foot of my bed watching his chest rise and fall. His mouth is slightly open. The bed hangings are drawn, so no sunlight graces his body. Since when did I get so damn poetic? Anyway, he swallows and breathes deeply. He's very slight; he'll definitely get more muscle the way he's been working with Moody. Not too much though. He rolls onto his side. He has a very sexy back. His shoulders flex as he adjusts to the new position, just like a cat. It's strange how much feline grace he has. I want to touch, to kiss. Maybe I should; it's not a half bad way to be woken. Off to enjoy Remus.  
  
 **4 May 1978 9:40 a.m.**  
Divination. Blah, blah, blah. Had wonderful morning sex yesterday. My new found poetic ness has found a just reward. Need to be poetic more often. And I believe I have made up a new word. Remus will be pleased... or he will tell me the word that already exists for my meaning. This class would be interesting if they got a centaur to teach. Oh, right. My encounter with Firenze. James and I pranked some Slytherins outside one day and I was assigned detention with Hagrid late at night in the forbidden forest. I had to collect some plants for potions class. Anyway, he lets me skive off with his dog, Brute--a very friendly Labrador retriever by the way-- and we got lost. Firenze, a centaur found us, and oh shite...  
  
 **Supper**  
Got caught with the diary. Luckily I had enough presence of mind to tell her this was where I record my interpretations of the day's lesson. Had to put it away though. James kept smirking at me all day. Oh, I know what will shut him up. I just asked when he was going to get on bended knee and ask Lily to marry him. He did not like that at all. He's red in the face, which oddly enough, matches Lily's hair. Leave me in peace, I'll leave you in peace. What the bloody hell is my Mum's owl doing coming towards me with a Howler!?  
  
Well, that was fun. Apparently Uncle Alphard passed away a few days ago, nice for anyone to tell me, and he's left me his entire estate. God he's good. The only family apart from Andy that I like. And now he's gone. "Remember, Sirius, you're a member of one of the oldest pureblood families in England... And that means absolutely nothing when you go to meet your maker. Just remember that if you're not enjoying life, you must be doing something wrong." I wonder if they even gave him a funeral; it wouldn't do to look bad by not burying him in the family plot.  
  
 **7 May 1978 9:50 a.m.**  
HoM class. Remus is taking diligent notes; NEWTs in less than 3 weeks. Shite, they're two weeks away! They did bury Uncle Alphard in the family plot; I suspect my sweet Mother burned him off the tapestry though. I get it all, and now I don't want to move into that cottage by myself. Too many memories. Oh well, Peter and James are snoring, better wake Peter up. James can wake himself up. Feeling a bit peaky myself. Maybe just a few minutes....____  
  
 **9 May 1978 12:46 p.m.**  
I fell asleep in HoM Thursday; Remus was not pleased. He got all huffy about James and I not picking up the slack, he's doing all the work, we're ungrateful, blah, blah, blah. He is the most moody bastard I have ever met! I have mood swings, sure--from sullen to happy and vice versa-- but I don't wallow in the negative moods saying that nothing's wrong when EVERYONE bloody well knows that isn't the case! We aren't ungrateful; it's just that Binns is so boring and monotonous. I can't believe he thinks we're ungrateful. How could he think that? Doesn't he know how much I appreciate him? Think, Sirius, have you once said "thank you" to him? I show him, I mean, oh, hell. He feels like I'm taking advantage of him, doesn't he? And the reason I want him to move in with me is so he'd be at my disposal? Am I? Am I taking him for granted? He is the most reliable of all of us. Well, Prongs is steadily making his claim to that title being Head Boy. Am I though? Without meaning to? I am, aren't I? It's all in his mind really. I'd never. So now what? "Gee, Remus, sorry you feel like we're taking advantage of you, because we're not." Oh, that would go over quite well. But do I?  
  
"Who kicked your dog this time, Black?"  
"Stuff it, Evans. Wait, do you think I take advantage of Remus?"  
"Not really. You just don't tell him that you appreciate all he does for you."  
"I tell him I love him all the time."  
"Not the same, show him you mean it and not in a sexual way."  
  
Great, she walks away before I can get her to explain further. Women! Oops, Remus is back, so I ought to be studying.  
  
 **10 May 1978 Lunch**  
Remus and I have a great relationship, we really do. We banter, we have sex; we talk, we have sex; we bathe, we have sex; we fight, we have make-up sex. We have deep, meaningful conversations after sex; then we fall asleep. James just glared at me and said "you should be using every free minute to study for NEWTs instead of writing in your journal." James has lost his mind at last. Now Remus is agreeing with James. What is this- "gang up on Sirius at lunch because we're so tightly wound about NEWTs Day?" Get those poles out of your arses mates! Oh damn, went and had naughty thought about that last comment and now can't stop smirking. Full Moon in seven days.  
  
 **12 May 1978 7:00 p.m.**  
Another brilliant Potions lesson. I hope the sarcasm shone through there. I wish Snivellus would drop off the face of the earth. Bloody wanker. He keeps trying to bait me. It took James, Remus, Frank, and Peter to calm me down and hold me back after class; I'm not stupid enough to retaliate while in class. Just the typical snarky comments under his breath. Mostly insulting Remus or Andy. Need a food break. Send Remus, James and Peter on food run; I need to talk to Lily about the living arrangement debate.  
  
 **13 May 1978 Lunch**  
In other news, thanks to the intervention of one Lily Evans, Remus and I have reached an understanding on the Living Arrangement Debate. He can come home when he grows tired of the loneliness that living by yourself eventually brings about. In further news, I will be studying much in the coming week, so entries will be sparse and abrupt. And mostly complaining about James the Quidditch Tyrant. No time for Sex; Quidditch Cup this Saturday. Full moon on the 18th. Want a nap; too much going on. I think the pressure's starting to get to me. _You look panicky_ I think everything just hit me at once. _You'll be all right._  
  
 **15 May 1978 4:45 p.m.**  
Too tired to write, so I got out my Dict-a-Quill. Just had an extra practice. I'm out of the showers and laying on my bed. Must plot ways to torment James after NEWTs. Okay, it will be worth it when we win, but for now it sucks. ~door opens, footsteps~  
"I'm done early with Moody."  
"I'm completely knackered. Fucking James the Tyrant."  
"No shower sex today?"  
"No."  
"You are knackered."  
"Told you."  
"I shall have to punish James most severely."  
"Wait until after NEWTs; I'll have my strength back by then. ~rustling sheets~ What are you doing?"  
"Getting in bed with you. You're not too tired to cuddle?"  
"I...don't...cuddle. I hold you."  
"Get over yourself, Black. You're a cuddler."  
"Take that back."  
"Snuggler."  
"Am not."  
"Are too."  
"Not."  
"Too."  
"NOT."  
"Okay, you're not. I'll just leave you for someone who is."  
~rustling of sheets~  
"Get back here."  
"Why should I?  
"Remus..."  
"Yeesss?"  
"Bugger it all. All right. I _cuddle_."  
~rustling of sheets~  
"Much better, wasn't so bad, was it?  
"Speak for yourself."  
"You like this."  
"Never get me to admit it."  
"Really? You like to hold me but not cuddle or snuggle? Same difference."  
"It's a matter of word choice."  
"Tell me how much you love snuggling with me and I'll suck you off."  
"Can I get a rain check?" ~yawning~  
"You ARE tired. I'll go yell at James now. ~rustling of sheets~ Sirius? Sirius?"  
~snoring, door opens, footsteps~  
"James Potter explain yourself."  
"Cup game? If it helps, I'm tired too."  
"You aren't supposed to run your team into the ground."  
"It's Sirius. He'll rejoin the living in two hours."  
"But I'm horny now! And I want sex, damn it! James, why are you backing away from me?"  
"Trying to keep"  
"For Christ's sake, I wouldn't fuck you with a borrowed prick!"  
~laughter~  
"Sirius!"  
"What? It's funny!"  
"I'm going to the bath now!"  
~door slams~  
"How long have you been awake?"  
"Since you yelled 'I'm horny now!'"  
"You're still yawning."  
"Cuz I'm still ti-tired."  
"Why is your quill?"  
"Bugger, forgot to turn it off."  
  
 **16 May 1978 9:48 p.m.**  
We won the Quidditch Cup! Off to rejoin the party. Oh, and Remus did as he promised yesterday. I returned the favour concurrently. I've been a bad influence on Remus' language and I couldn't be prouder. Off to get piss drunk!  
  
 **19 May 1978 Supper**  
Another full moon without incident. Remus is back in classes. NEWTs in 6 days. Reading over notes. Gah! Can't take anymore! The professors are cramming as much review as possible into their classes, so that helps. I'm being ordered to not write in here the next couple of days... Sod 'em all! I really am taking all of this seriously, no pun intended, but I need some kind of constructive outlet like this journal because you can't shag all the time.  
  
 **25 May 1978 8:40 p.m.**  
First day of NEWTs wasn't so bad. Written Charms, HoM, and Astronomy. Tomorrow is written Transfiguration, Potions, DADA exams. Wednesday is the electives exams. Then Thursday practical Charms and Potions. Friday practical Transfiguration and DADA. I couldn't believe how much HoM I remembered and didn't have to invent names or dates! Peter's fallen asleep on the rug in front of the fireplace. James, Remus, Lily and Alice are reviewing for tomorrow. I'm sure they're going to yell at me any moment now. Peter's the one asleep!  
  
 **30 May 1978 9:50 a.m.**  
They weren't that bad. I don't know why everyone got their knickers in a bunch over them. Either you know it or you don't. Now, we just have the usual end of year exams next week. Remus has found a flat he likes in Liverpool. He's going to check it out after exams. I, er, volunteered to go with him, but he said he could handle it himself. Not his words, but I'm tired of writing down every little row we have. Peter's been backing me up in private, he doesn't like to get in the middle of things most times. At least he understands what Remus will be facing even if Remus himself doesn't. It's going to be difficult for him to keep a wizarding flat being a werewolf. He could always get a muggle flat somewhere though. Or, he could stop being so stubborn and just move in with me!


	7. June

**2 June 1978 7:40 p.m.**  
Second day of end of year exams is over. I really don't understand their purpose; why don't they use the NEWT results? Two more days of tests then a week of nothing until the train ride home. I think I'll try to get a pass to go to the cottage. I need to see what has to be done, if anything at all. Remus? _What now?_ Could you help me with the cottage next week? _Why?_ I need to see if it's habitable and I might run into a boggart or something. Best to tackle those in pairs. _Why don't you ask James?_ He's going too, but safety in numbers. _Okay, I'll go too._ And you have a much better colour sense than I do. _True. You'd end up getting paisley furniture._ Exactly. What's paisley? _Never mind._ I wouldn't mind having a leather sofa. _Leather is not a good fabric to include in sexual activities._ Shouldn't you be studying? _NEWTs took care of that._ Since you have all this free time... let's go on a kitchen raid! _Kitchen raid? Sirius._ What? I'm just having you on. _You had better be._ How about a lap dance in the Prefect's bath? _You're on._  
  
 **5 June 1978 3:45 p.m.**  
Right, exams are over. Graduation's next weekend. James, Remus, and I got passes Monday to go look at the cottage. They only got them because James is Head Boy and Remus is a Prefect. Peter cannot go with us. I believe he feels a bit left out, but it's out of my control really. He can help Remus with his flat as Mr. Moodswing does not appreciate my offers of assistance. Insufferable cockteaser! He crawls into my bed early this morning, early for me that is, and gets me all worked up. Then he realizes that he's late for a meeting with Dumbledore and Moody and just leaves me there in that state. Bastard. He did it on purpose, I know he did. Andy's bringing her family to see my graduation. I'll be able to see Nymphadora again; she must be 8 by now, a fun age to be.  
  
 **6 June 1978 11:12 a.m.**  
Nothing to do but be lazy now. I attacked Remus after supper last night. Maybe that will teach him a lesson. Oh yes, I had my wicked way with him. And what a way it was. Anyway, Remus' applications for the wizarding flats have all been declined. Now he's looking at muggle flats in London. Some of the economies are in his price range. He doesn't want anyone going with him, not even his parents. Of course, they're fine with his decision, but I'm not. I would like a say on where I will be shagging Remus in the near future. It's only fair.  
  
 **8 June 1978 8:00 p.m.**  
That house needed a good cleaning. Nothing malevolent in it, thankfully. The furniture was covered in sheets which were covered in dust. It didn't take long at all. The first room I showed them was the study. It's fully stocked. I think Remus might begin to regret his decision not to move in with me. I am quite clever, no? Anyway, the cottage is small, cosy, and tastefully decorated. No animal heads on the walls and no frilly lace or flower patterns, just natural wood and green curtains and such. Except, the bedroom. I think it had cherry wood and white bed dressings. The curtains were red velvet, dead useful for keeping out annoying early-morning sunlight. Most of the 7th years are looking through the classifieds for career opportunities. James and I can't complete our applications until after we receive our results. We're going to become Aurors. We won't sit idly by while an homicidal madman runs amuck. Remus is off in the corner looking sulky. Oh, right. Everyone is looking at jobs he'd never get. Dumbledore would hire him. Maybe I need to go cheer him up. Remind him that there are decent people in this world.  
  
 **12 June 1978 Lunch**  
Parents and relatives will arrive tomorrow for the graduation celebration. Andy's bringing her family. The Potters, the Lupins, the Evanses including Petunia, and Mrs. Pettigrew. I can't wait to meet Lily's sister. She doesn't approve of Lily's abilities; I detect some jealousy there. Enough psychoanalysing for one day, I believe I will go wind up Remus. Tell him I need to go flat hunting with him so I can inspect our future shagnest. I showed him my place; it's only right for me to see his.  
  
 **14 June 1978 10:13 a.m.**  
I am in my new home, all settled in. Petunia was a riot. James and I had a bit of fun with her, when Lily's parents weren't watching of course. An ass's tail, a case of spots, and violent violet hair. All removed swiftly. But Pete did get a few quick photos. Too bad they aren't in colour. As you may have noticed, I am bored out of my mind. Remus has moved into a flat in muggle London near Soho. He's too stubborn for his own good. I miss him already. I miss waking up next to him. Hell, I even miss his morning breath. Full moon in a few days. I'm working on setting up boundary wards. James is supposed to be over here by 11 to help. I think we'll do our full moon runs here. I just need to make sure my medicine cabinet and kitchen are fully stocked, transfigure the sofa into a bed, and learn how to make eggs without burning them. I suppose it would help if I watched what I was cooking instead of wandering around the house doing other things. I can't help it though; I get distracted, often. I need a keeper. And where is James? He should be here any minute. We need to get those wards in place by the 16th.  
  
 **8:30 p.m.**  
James is in the shower. We had too much fun testing those wards. Luckily we remembered to set up some well-placed cushioning charms while we were bouncing around. James is staying the night; we're going to open a bottle of firewhiskey and reminisce. Okay, we're going to get a bit drunk and bullshit the night away. We haven't done that since before Christmas. I suppose we need this time; we were starting to get too wrapped up in our own lives. I haven't really talked to James in months. Sure, we traded Quidditch scores and such, but we never got to talk about other things. The meaning of life, family, sex, that's where the firewhiskey comes in useful. I didn't realise I missed James as well. Must remember to never let him find this journal. I'll never hear the end of it. I'm turning into a complete sopping idiot. I blame Remus because he's not here to defend himself.  
  
 **15 June 1978 3:40 p.m.**  
Just sent off my Auror application. I got 1 E for History of Magic, and the rest were O's on the NEWTs. I'm a bright boy. So why can't I find a way to convince or trick Remus into moving in with me? At least he'll be here tomorrow and the next day. Oh, and tonight, I'm cooking him supper. Small consolation, but I need something; give a dog a bone. Oh god, I can't believe I just wrote that. I'll make pasta tonight, because certainly I can't burn that. That has to be impossible.  
  
 **10:30 p.m.**  
Didn't burn it; in fact, supper turned out great. A shame Remus didn't seem impressed, but I'll contribute that to his exhaustion. He's sleeping as I'm writing this. Too tired for sex even. I don't know what Dumbledore has him doing, but it must be something big. Usually Remus is incredibly wound up the night before the full. It takes about 3 to 5 rounds of sexual activity to tire him. Unless he's lying about being tired, but he wouldn't do that to me. It must be all the excitement of having his own flat and moving the muggle way. Anyway, I'll let him sleep for now and by morning he should have his strength back. James and Peter won't be over until after tea time so that gives Re and myself the day to "catch up."  
  
 **16 June 1978 2:00 p.m.**  
Remus is in the study researching for Dumbledore. No sex, yet. I'm about to burst here! I haven't seen Remus in 3 days and it's been 6 days since we had some form of sex. He didn't even kiss me this morning. What the hell is going on? I shall have to put a stop to this soon. I know! I'll go into the study and ask if he could use some help. Then just straddle his lap and kiss him. Let's see him refuse that!  
  
 **3:00 p.m.**  
He refused. Well, he refused after he realised we had both lost our shirts. Grrr. He claims he has a lot of research to do. But I saw him writing in his journal. Research my arse! He's hiding something from me again. I'll be starting training, I hope, in a week. The first 6 weeks are spent completely isolated from the outside world. 6 weeks without any contact with him, except for letters. I don't know if I'll survive; I'll need something to tide me over. Let's try the mental picture approach. _Sirius, I mean it. I need to finish this._ Do it tomorrow, Dumbledore would understand. _I promised it tonight. Now, knock it off._ Suppose I'll go wank off in the shower again.  
  
 **17 June 1978 10:00 a.m.**  
Remus is still asleep. James and Peter left. Had to have Prongs distract Wormtail as Moony kept getting into a submissive position for Padfoot. So, yeah, Padfoot humped Moony last night. No one is telling Remus. He wouldn't remember anyway. That's what happens when you suppress your desires. Remus is stirring, off to bring him some tea.  
  
 **3:10 p.m.**  
Lovely, we had another row. He wants to go home now. He's too weak to apparate properly; he'll splinch himself. I swear he's just trying to start something. I don't know what's got into him lately, but it is bizarre. And it better stop soon. Could it be he's worried about me being an Auror and possibly dying? Is that it? That would make sense. Wow, I never asked him how he felt about my career choice. I think we need to have a chat.  
  
 **19 June 1978 5:30 p.m.**  
James and I were accepted into the programme. We leave for training next Friday. I'm staying with Remus for the weekend; we made up, but haven't had the sex yet. That's what this weekend's for. Quite honestly, I'm scared about the training too. If I make it through the programme, I'll be an Auror. Granted people are being murdered anyway, but I've just increased my odds of being killed. 6 weeks of basic training, agility, strength, stamina, hexing, et al. I've got the stamina, ask Remus... Hexing, ask James or Snivellus. Strength, I played Beater for 4 years. I'd say I won't have too many problems. I best be leaving soon, supper's at 7... Then a weekend full of nakedness and sex. I can't wait.  
  
 **25 June 1978 9:45 p.m.**  
All set to go to training. Wand, toothbrush, nightclothes, undergarments, journal, quill, ink. That's all I'm allowed. And we get only 2 hours on Sundays to read and respond to our post, or to write in our journals. No classified information though. The rest of the week is reserved for intensive training. Up each day at 06:00 hours and lights out at 8 or 20:00 hours. No weekend passes unless it's a family emergency, which means funeral or if your wife is giving birth. No Remus for 6 weeks. I don't know if I can survive that. At least I'll have his letters; he's an excellent writer, very imaginative and descriptive. And I'm sure we'll make our letters quite entertaining. Must remember a water-proof spell for parchment in case I want to read in the shower.  
  
 **28 June 1978 7:30 p.m. (19:30)**  
Just sent Remus a letter. A letter that described in explicit detail all the things I love about his hands. Next letter will be all the things I love about his tongue. See how it progresses? Maybe I should write one about his lips before I write about his tongue. Anyway, I also wrote a short letter to Nymphadora. Prongs said she'd probably think it was wicked cool if I was writing to her. So, we were oriented this week with the layout of the camp. Got our training schedules and such. Actual work begins tomorrow; co-ed training, not co-ed barracks. Not like that matters to me. Prongs wrote a 5 page epic love letter to Red, followed by a short note to his parents. I made my post checker blush when he inspected my outgoing letter to Remus. And that was only the hands, wait until I get to Remus' cock. Shite, our time's up.


	8. July/August

**5 July 1978 7:15 (19:15)**  
Wrote the “lips” letter. Remus’ reply to my first letter was short. He just let me know he was settled in and had gone to the neighbourhood pub. That was it. No sexy reply, no admonishment either. Nothing. Maybe he doesn’t want other people reading his innermost thoughts and desires. Training is more difficult than I thought it would be. They change the weather conditions on us constantly. Small supply of pepper-up potion. Can’t go into detail. Prongs is holding up well. He sent another five-page letter to Lily; she sent him a four page one. Without anything sexual in it. Why couldn’t Remus do the same? I would enjoy hearing about that pub. How the sixty-year-old man in the back corner always orders 2 shots of scotch, nothing more. Or how the shift workers come in every Friday for a couple of pints and a few sets of billiards. Not that I know these things, but it would be nice to hear how normal things are in the world. Something to look forward to. Maybe he’s saving all of this for when my training is over. Make-up sex is great, but I-haven’t-seen-you-in-six-weeks sex tops it every time. And there’s no time to wank off in the showers. By the end of training, well, Remus will not be leaving the bedroom for days. I’ll be testing his stamina. Time’s up again.  
  
 **12 July 1978 7:25 (19:25)**  
Sent off the tongue letter. Sore, tired, and randy as sin. I got a one-page response to my last letter. He’s doing something for Dumbledore. Moony’s been hanging around with a muggle he met at the pub. At least he’s going out and meeting people. He’s going to his parents’ house for the full. I hate that he has to do that. I should be done before August’s moon. Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail will run again! Did I mention that I was sore? And randy too, but too exhausted to do anything about it. Hell, I’d give anything just hear Moony’s voice even reading the H.o.M. textbook. Anything other than these terse letters. Something’s going on and I don’t like it.  
  
 **19 July 1978 7:15 (19:15)**  
Something’s going on all right. Remus has decided that we really need to not date each other. Here’s his response to my letters:  
  
Sirius,  
  
I received your last letter. And the ones before were...interesting. And knowing how...intensely you feel makes this much more difficult. However, we need to stop seeing each other. It's just too much too soon and we're not ready for that kind of commitment. I'd like to experience life on my own with no strings attached. I need to grow on my own, independent of others' wishes for me. You should too. You are entirely too dependent upon others for your happiness. I need to breathe. It is my hope that we can remain friends.

Remus  
  
What the fuck! I’m too fucking pissed off to write! “It is my hope that we can remain friends.” Fuck, it’s so fucking formal even from Remus. What the fuck is going on?  
  
 **26 July 1978 7:20 (19:20)**  
etter to Nymphie and one to Andy. Nymphie is writing me back. So I have letters from my 7-year-old cousin to cheer me up. Yeah, I’m not convinced either. At least training is wearing me out so I don’t think about it. I’m thinking about doing 2 weeks of specialized training after the normal six weeks. Prongs isn’t; he’s dying to see Lily. She has to have known about this and she didn’t give me any warning. Prongs says I'm just lashing out at innocent people because I’m unable to knock sense into Moony’ thick skull. Prongs wants me to go home with him; right, and I’ll be the fifth wheel. No thanks; I’ll take on the extra training. Too tired to think or write anymore. I think I’ll go try to drown myself in the showers now.  
  
 **2 August 1978 7:45 pm (19:45)**  
Wrote to Andy, Nymphie, and Peter. Obviously didn't drown myself in the showers. Progressed beyond anger/depression, progressed beyond feeling anything. I'm numb. And I don't understand. Why? Everything was going fine. Okay things were weird in June, but other than that... Prongs is standing firmly by my side. Great mate. Too bad he's not staying on for the extra training. He's going home on the 8th. So I'll have another person to write to. Haven't got any more letters from Remus. Pillock.  
  
 **9 August 1978 7:50 pm (19:50)**  
Had a lot of letters to write. Will be in combat zone from Monday until Friday. Simulations, of course. Then next week I get specialised training in case of capture. Fun. Sarcasm. Well, it beats sulking around an empty house though. I don't feel like writing anymore.  
  
 **16 August 1978 8:10 pm (20:10)**  
Wrote some more letters. Will be dismissed on the 21st. Then will most likely be assigned to office work for a month. That is how it works in the ministry. Prongs is already thinking about popping the question. Slow down mate; it took you 6 years to get her to agree to 1 date. She better say yes if he does propose; I don't want to be near him if she refuses. She won't of course. That's why they fought so much; she couldn't admit that she liked him. I want Remus back. I can't live without him.  
  
 **21 August 1978 10:30 pm**  
Back home. I have a week off before I report to the ministry. Desk job first. Did I call it or what? Here's their reason: I was too reckless with myself during the simulations. I took unnecessary risks. I didn't send anyone into danger, but the commanding officer did a number of times. However, doing it my way, I always caught the opponents without doing harm to myself or others. In fact, I caught my opponents faster than the other trainees who stuck to the playbook. I thought the purpose of being an Auror was to catch the bad guys as quickly as possible to minimise damage. I suppose I was wrong again.  
  
I'm always fucking wrong. I can't do one fucking thing in my life right. I'm supposed to visit James and Lily tomorrow. She picked out a house while he was in training. He's going to pop the question after they've moved in. Well, isn't that fucking lovely for them! All happy ever after tied with a pretty pink ribbon! I can't stand having a week off, too much thinking. I need something to do or I'll wallow in the sad state of my life. Why? Why the fuck...? I refuse to answer that question. He didn't leave me. Not really. It was all a bad dream. And I'll wake up from it any day now.  
  
 **23 August 1978 11:21 am**  
And the nightmare continues. Massive fucking hangover. All was well with James and Lily, except when James let slip that Remus had been "seeing" someone. So, I got piss drunk last night, passed out in my living room (thankfully not in my vomit), then got up and sobbed my little heart out, also cleaned up my mess. I should have known. I knew all along, but hoped it wasn't so. I'm not good enough for him. I knew that. Sure I got respectable marks, but I slid by on natural ability. I never applied myself. I'll never be as intelligent as him; he speaks French, German, a bit of Russian, reads all the time. I'm lucky I know English; okay, I can speak passable French thanks to dear old Bitch. I think it's time for that hangover potion and that motorbike. I wonder how much those cost? Maybe I could enchant it to fly... There's a time consuming project for me. Excellent. I will buy one tomorrow.  
  
 **25 August 1978 2:30 pm**  
Didn't get out of bed until lunchtime. I bought a Norton Commando 1975. First photo:   
  
It's fast, man. Top speed is 190 km/h. Drove it all over the countryside yesterday. I am going to enchant it; just need to figure out how. Maybe see Dung for some ideas. I got a full repair manual for it, so I'll know how to put it back together when I take it apart to charm it. I didn't come in until my mind started to wander and imagine having someone riding behind me. It's over; I have to accept that. And yet, some part of me knows that we will get back together. Maybe I finally have lost it and slipped into a delusional state. At least they know me there. And James is going on about how I'm too young to have a mid-life crisis. I think he's jealous because Lily won't let him get a bike of his own. Smart woman.  
  
 **26 August 1978 8:30 pm**  
Have the bike all apart. Been putting levitation, navigation, flight, and all other manner of charms. Trying to figure out how to put an invisibility booster on without damaging the muggle circuitry. The rate I'm going, I might have it done by the end of the year. Or the end of the week. Depends how obsessed I get. I can't get his damn letter out of my head. I know I'm driving Prongs mad. Peter's coming over tomorrow to help with the bike. I can drive him insane too. I suppose the bike isn't such a good distraction after all. Start office work on Monday. Oh, I can hardly bear the excitement.  
  
 **27 August 1978 9:30 pm**  
Oh, Peter was a great help today. He didn't know any of the tools. So today consisted of me telling him to get the metal wand with a claw shape at the top, and so forth. And he said it was time for me to move on. Maybe the thing with Remus had more to do with convenience than anything else. Two mates, wolf and a dog, close quarters during puberty, one thing led to another, in essence, fuck mates. Not for me, it wasn't. I love him: the way he almost always has his nose in a book, the way he looks at me when I've done something amusing and foolish, the way I don't feel the need to prattle on in his presence--I'm comfortable just sitting in silence with him-- the way he gets frustrated when I make a brilliant yet erratic move while playing chess, the way he breathes in my ear to wake me up, the way he fits in my arms, the way he can stop me from making an utter arse of myself with a look, the way he completes me... Would go on, but now it's depressing me. I can't or won't believe that I was a mere convenience. It was much more than that. And maybe that's why... he was scared? How can you be scared of something that's good?  
  
 **31 August 1978 12:20 pm**  
Lunch hour, finished the bike. It's a dream really. I'm quite proud of myself. Meeting Peter for drinks tonight. He deserves a round or two for putting up with me lately. And I just got an assignment; I'll be gone for September's moon too. Prongs won't. Don't care if I'm not speaking to Remus; Prongs and Wormtail can run with the wolf while I'm gone. We didn't take all that risk not to help Remus. If he doesn't like it, tough shite. He's going to my cottage and Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail will run through the woods. And that's that.


	9. September

**1 September 1978 12:05 pm**  
  
I am on my lunch break. James is meeting Lily so I will be dining alone. Again. I’m getting quite tired of this routine. I’d invite Peter, but I’ve spent too much time around him of late. I might invite Remus if he came crawling back begging forgiveness. Who am I fooling? No I wouldn’t. I can’t believe he broke it off to go shag some swotty, poncy theatre student. It doesn’t matter anyway. Prongs says they broke up before he got back from training. I bet the ponce couldn’t perform in the bedroom. I miss Remus. This entire situation is completely bollixed. Maybe I should at the very least send him a letter describing in vivid detail just how hacked off I am. Or, I could not and instead sit around and brood while waiting to log in some field time. I have stealth training this afternoon. If only they knew how stealthy Padfoot can be… Never mind, I don’t want to be sent to Azkaban, ever.  
  
 **7:45 pm**  
  
Just got home from dinner with the two lovebirds. Remus and I never acted that gross in front of others. In fact, if I hadn’t snogged him in front of the school in March, no one would have guessed that we were shagging. Come to think of it, I don’t think much of the school believed we were shagging even after the kiss. I bet they thought it was another joke. Oh well, those were the good old days… when I wasn’t sexually frustrated.  
  
 **3 September 1978 12:12 pm**  
  
 **TOTALS:**  
 **Hairy palms:** not yet  
 **Number of cold showers:** 4  
 **Number of wanks:** upwards of 10  
  
Maybe I should start smoking. Give my hands something to do other than toss off. I feel like I’m fourteen and spotty again. James is not helping. He keeps trying to drag me to some poufster nightclub called the Glitter Collar. He’s off his rocker. Just because I own all of David Bowie’s records does not mean I want to hang about some poufy disco. I think I know why he wants to go to that particular club; it must be where Remus works. He broke up with me and he can put forth the effort to patch things up. I’ve done enough dancing around his delicate feelings. Merlin forbid I say the wrong thing… I have to stop this bitterness; it’s consuming me. Why? Why did he though? What is the truth?  
  
 **4 September 1978 3:40 pm**  
  
Ran into Robert Calloway today. He gave me some tickets to his next match. I don’t know why I shagged him in my fifth year. I just should have been more open with Remus sooner. Dear god, am I bemoaning the loss of my virginity to someone other than my beloved? Had to be sarcastic, had to. I really want to send Remus a letter, maybe even a Howler; give him a piece of my mind. Stupid blighter.  
  
 **7 September 1978 12:13 pm**  
  
I told Prongs we could use the cottage for the full moon again. I promised him that I wouldn’t start anything…but if Remus did start, I would finish it. Seems the only time I have to write is over my lunch hour. I might have an assignment soon; I’m doing very well in stealth training. I don’t think Avery likes me much. He’s a twenty-five year old Auror. I know his brother is a Voldemort supporter. Not sure if he’s in the inner circle. The Avery’s are another old and inbred magical family. Not on the same level as the Blacks or Malfoys, but they’re up there. Oh, I forgot the count as of today:  
 **Hairy Palms:** not yet  
 **Number of cold showers:** 1  
 **Number of wanks:** 7\. Hey, it was Saturday night.  
  
 **10 September 1978 12:15 pm**  
  
I have an assignment. I leave the morning of the 13th and won’t return for a week. Fucking bloody hell! That’s the full moon, another moon Padfoot will miss. That’s three months in a row! I don’t care if he dumped me, et al; I made a bloody promise and I intend to keep it! It’s not fair. It’s not. I need to talk to him. I need him to look me in the eye and say that it’s over. If he can do that, then I’ll believe him. Now I can’t. Maybe I should leave a letter for James to give him. This blows.  
  
 **7:30 pm**  
  
This still blows. Plus, I had an extra hour of training today. And I have to spend my Saturday in training too. Did I mention how much I hate this situation?  
  
 **8:46 pm**  
  
Still hate the bloody situation. It can’t get any worse.  
  
 **9:15 pm**  
  
Just got worse. Moody informed me that Avery will be on this assignment. I’m supposed to shadow him. Fucking bloody fantastic. I truly hate this situation. Plus I have to train with Avery tomorrow. This blows, I hate it, etc.  
  
 **12 September 1978 2:35 pm**  
  
Avery gave me a workout yesterday. I am actually glad he did. I tested my limits and pushed beyond them. I am starting to feel good about the assignment. I still hate the bloody timing of it. Really, really hate it. We leave at 20:00 hours tomorrow. So, I can wait at the cottage for Prongs, Wormtail, and Moony before having to go. I really hate this, I really do.  
  
 **13 September 1978 7:25 pm**  
  
Fucking hell! I just got pulled from the assignment, moonrise is in ten minutes, and NO ONE has shown up to the cottage yet. I’m fire-calling Peter. Where the hell is that little rat?  
  
 **7:36 pm**  
  
Just got off the floo with Peter. Remus went to his parents’ house. What the fuck is wrong with him? Prongs and Wormtail would be here; it was good enough for last month. I know he showed up, both James and Peter said he did. This whole situation is fucked up. Next time I see Remus, he’s getting a big piece of my mind.  
  
  
 **14 September 1978 12:17 pm**  
  
 **TOTALS:**  
 **Hairy palms:** (surprisingly) Not yet.  
 **Cold Showers:** 0  
 **Wanks:** 4  
  
I grow tired of the scorecard. It’s pathetic, really. I just wanted to make light of the situation and have only made myself even more depressed. Not sure what I want to say to Remus though. Maybe I should stop by James’ cubicle on my way to disguise training this afternoon. Once again I defer to Padfoot. James never showed up last night. Remus must have told him not to. I’m going to kill that man when I see him next, with my bare hands too.  
  
 **7:48 pm**  
  
James is on assignment in Romania. He should be back in four days. Moody told me. Aurors are not supposed to reveal, well, except to their immediate families, when they are going on assignment. Explains why Remus made other plans for last night. Wait, I told James, my brother, about my assignment. Why didn’t he tell me about his? When was I removed from the loop?  
  
 **16 September 1978 12:17 pm**  
  
Lunch hour again. I train with Travis Shacklebolt this afternoon: duelling. Shouldn’t have too rough a time with it. I think his son is in Ravenclaw, maybe a fifth year now? I haven’t decided what to do about Remus. I think doing nothing sounds like the best idea right now. I’m still waiting for an assignment; I think Rookwood has it in for me. He didn’t like that I demonstrated his incompetence while training with Avery. Won’t go into it; let’s just say that Rookwood is not up to snuff on his counter curses.  
  
 **19 September 1978 10:06 am**  
  
Prongs is coming over for a steak dinner and I don’t have the steaks. Need to find an open butcher’s shop. I suppose I’m driving the bike to London today. I haven’t had a good ride on her in a while. There has to be someplace open in London on a Sunday. I better eat something and take a shower.  
  
 **4:58 pm**  
  
Just got back from London. James will be over in an hour. Remus was in the butcher shop. Need to make supper. Find some firewhiskey.  
  
 **11:30 pm**  
  
Sent James home to Lily. Still am reeling from seeing Remus. He looked so different, yet exactly how I remembered him. His hair is getting long. He has it styled so it frames his face, just falling in his eyes. Shows off his face really well. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but I couldn’t. He seemed so vulnerable; he looked like he was about to break. He looks like he doesn’t eat enough. I suppose when I’m not around shovelling second and third helpings onto his plate… He gets so caught up in whatever he’s doing that he forgets to eat. I never miss a meal, or a snack for that matter. I better watch that tendency when I get old. Don’t want to become a fat, old slob. I saw him; I talked to him. I miss him; really and truly miss him.  
  
 **20 September 1978 12:13 pm**  
  
I come into work this morning and find a note on my desk from Barty Crouch, Head of Magical Law Enforcement. I thought Avery or Rookwood had started something. They didn’t. It turns out Regulus had been spotted at a Death Eater gathering late August and old Barty wanted to make sure that my loyalties lay with the Ministry and not my “blood.” I rather coolly informed him that I severed my ties with my “blood” two years ago and harbour no sympathy for the vipers. Old Barty needn’t worry about me; he needs to worry about Junior who was hanging around Regulus most of last school year. The good thing is this news has kept me from thinking about Remus. He looked good. His face was rosy from the autumn wind; his hair was slightly mussed; he kept worrying his bottom lip… I didn’t yell at him, not really. Maybe he’ll owl me now.  
  
 **21 September 1978 12:37 pm**  
  
I received a letter from Remus before leaving for work. I just got through reading it. At least he dropped the formal shite. He likes his job; he tends bar at the Glitter Collar. He said it’s like stepping inside Ziggy Stardust’s mind. I might have to allow James to drag me there. Remus didn’t beg for my forgiveness though. Or ask to take him back. What the fuck is wrong with him? I have to write him a letter in response tonight.  
  
 **22 September 1978 12:47 pm**  
  
I just finished writing the letter to Remus. I gave him a piece of my mind. Just what he deserved though; I didn’t descend into melodramatics. He pissed me off with his “I don’t know what to say to you. I really don’t.” I bloody well know what he can say to me and I let him know that. James wants a look at the letter that has me so worked up.  
  
 **2:37 pm**  
  
James just gave the letter back to me. He says I’m blowing it out of proportion: Moony always worries about saying the exact “right” thing. What’s so wrong about “I’m sorry?” It’s simple and to the point. No room for interpretation. Oh well, I’ve already sent off my reply. I think he expects me to be angry anyway.  
  
 **24 September 1978 12:15 pm**  
  
Have not received a reply from Remus yet. I may have angered him severely. Well, I had to say the things that needed to be said. I had to convey how hurt I am without saying “you hurt me.” That would make me look like such a Nancy. I am a man, damn it! Feeling a bit silly as you can tell. I will take the bike out tomorrow, as it will be Saturday, and randomly drive about the country. Maybe ride through Yorkshire, beautiful countryside there. Perhaps I’ll borrow Lily’s camera and take some photos. Why not? I’m sure I can guilt her into loaning me her camera.  
  
 **26 September 1978 3:45 pm**  
  
I took some lovely pictures of Yorkshire yesterday. It was really liberating having that time to myself. The ride really cleared my mind. Someone should write a book about the benefits of motorbikes, how they clear one’s mind and the like. If someone has, I’m certain Remus will know the title of it. Maybe. Still have not got a reply from him. This can’t be good.  
  
 **7:35 pm**  
  
Evening post arrived. Peter says Paulette, his girlfriend, wants to do a group date with Lily and James and me and her friend. No. No, no. No, no, no, no, NO. And I should bloody well think NOT. No reply from Remus. Bugger, I really ticked him off.  
  
 **29 September 1978 12:17 pm**  
  
Hallelujah! A letter from Remus. He was quite angry as I expected, but then he detailed at length why he broke it off, how I made him feel, how I seemed to overlook his presence in my life save for the bedroom. I didn’t know he felt like that; he gave me every indication that he was fine and was quite enjoying that facet of our relationship. In fact, I’d say I thought that our sex life was the only thing working at that time. Maybe that should have been a clue, but I was so wrapped up in going to training that I…. Right. Just made his point. I’ll have to read his letter a few more times before I craft my response. After all he did make mention of my “enormous sex drive.” He’s left himself wide open on that one.


	10. October

**1 October 1978 12:18 pm**  
  
I replied to Remus’s letter. I decided to be a bit cheeky about certain things. Prongs is taking me shopping tomorrow for our group date next Saturday. The things I do for my friends… I am still trying to get out of it. I refuse to give up! Oh yes, a count:  
  
 **Hairy Palms:** not unless in Padfoot form  
 **Number of Cold Showers:** 0  
 **Number of Wanks:** oh, _thousands..._  
  
 **3 October 1978 5:15 pm**  
  
Am now the proud owner of a pair of tight, black leather trousers. It looks as though I won’t be able to skive off this date horror. I found out that Giselle is apparently some Nordic goddess from France. She has tits and a vagina—body parts for which I’m not interested. In other news, James and I will be going on an assignment together. We leave at 05:00 hours on October 14th. We’ll be joining a group of Aurors led by Rookwood to track giants in Siberia. Oh joy. Avery is in our group. You know, freak avalanches have been known to kill wizards who aren’t quick with apparating… Bad Sirius. Talking about mortal accidents happening to his fellow Aurors. Bad, bad Sirius… I deserve to be punished… Sorry, still thinking about the leather trousers and how good they make my arse look. Ooh, the girls haven’t picked where we’re going. I’m sure if I complain enough about this date horror Peter will let me choose where I’ll be tortured. I think we should go to the Glitter Collar. Yes, my leather trousers and I are going to the Glitter Collar Saturday night.  
  
 **4 October 1978 12:15 pm**  
  
No post from Remus yet. I really don’t want to go on this date. I don’t care if it will help Peter with his sex life; he should date an alcoholic whore like the rest of the desperate, randy male population. I’ll even loan him money to get back on his feet once she’s through with him. I don’t want to waste an evening feigning interest in tits and vaginas.  
  
 **7:50 pm**  
  
Got post from Remus. I think we’re on the mend. He picked up on my decorating joke and continued it in his reply. And he tried to explain his lack of openness; his words got all in a jumble over it. I forgot how shy he really is. He feels left out with James and me becoming Aurors and he isn’t allowed. But, as I’m going through mission training this week, I know Remus wouldn’t like this job. There’s too much office politics going on. He’s better off being trained by Moody for the Order. We had Russian lessons all day in case the translating spells go awry. Tomorrow we learn giant; then we get cold weather training. And then I have to suffer through Saturday night: a date with a WOMAN. Hell, I’ve done it before, but even then it was torture. Lily’s all right though; she’s not like Paulette—giggliest giggler there ever was.  
  
 _3 October 1978_

_Oh, ha ha Sirius. About being more open, sometimes it is very difficult for me to find the words that best express how I am feeling. When I am angry, I speak whatever is on my mind even when it might be best to calm down and mull over an appropriate response. You would say that the appropriate response is the one you just blurt out without thinking. Sometimes you need to analyse what you’re about to say to make certain it really is how you feel or if it is just the anger talking. I have no idea where I’m going with this. I suppose the real reason the Auror thing is such a sore spot is that you and James go off on a grand adventure and I’m left behind. It’s a part of your life that I can’t share with you. Granted, Moody is still training me so I know how to do your job even if I not legally allowed to do it. And for the curtain patterns, I’ve always liked the French country look. Perhaps a blue toile duvet? Dark blue curtains in the bedroom; we don’t want that pesky sun waking us up too early._

_Yours,  
Remus _  
**  
5 October 1978 12:13 pm**  
  
I really loathe Avery. I think I may commit justifiable homicide on this mission. Every morning he inquires about the health of my dear mother. So I tell him that as far as I know, Mrs. Potter is in quite good health. And he’ll make other comments when no one else is paying attention. I have Avery pegged for a Voldemort sympathiser. Oh good, giant after lunch. I could piss on myself from the excitement.  
  
 **8:56 pm**  
  
I need to write to Remus. I have been so knackered though. Peter is letting me pick the venue for this date disaster. After careful deliberation, I have chosen… The Glitter Collar. He thought it was a pet store at first. Oh, this will be fun. I need to get a tight tee shirt to go with the trousers. Maybe I could find an Aladdin Sane one someplace. We start cold weather training tomorrow. Lovely. I hope I don’t lose any body parts to frostbite.  
  
 **6 October 1978 12:20 pm**  
  
Sent off a letter to Remus this morning, a brief note describing my dilemma and asking for his help. I think I like this letter writing business. We are most definitely flirting. Wait a minute; what was the last line in his latest letter? Let me find it… Aha! “Dark blue curtains in the bedroom; we don’t want that pesky sun waking us too early.” I’m going to have sex with Remus again! YES! (Thank Merlin!) Prongs, whose teeth are still chattering in the warmth of my cubicle, wants to know what I’m so happy about. Allow me to enlighten him…  
  
 **12:50 pm**  
Perhaps I went too far in provoking James. I explained the curtain/bedroom comment and what I thought it meant. To which he replied: “That’s great then!” and slapped me on the back. The ease with which he spoke encouraged me to push further. So I thanked him, said that it was a miracle I didn’t have hairy palms, he laughed, I sighed and said rather dreamily, “I can’t wait to have Remus’ cock up my arse again.” Must stop writing. Having fit of laughter. Cannot breathe or see as tears rolling down face… I never knew how deep a shade of red James’ face could go. I think this time it was well beyond cranberry. Well, my lunch hour is over. Back to freezing my bollocks off.  
  
 **8 October 1978 8:48 pm**  
  
Tomorrow night I won’t be saved. Remus wrote a rather witty reply, but he won’t rescue me! So I sent off a short reply. What’s this PS? How did I miss that? He wonders if the noble steed I referred to in my last letter was myself. If so he wouldn’t object to mounting me. I’m going to have se-ex. I’m going to have se-ex. But first I have to suffer through a heterosexual blind date. Ugh. The sex will be worth it. Maybe I can fake a case of, wait a minute. We’re going to Remus’ work. I can just sneak off with him then.  
  
 _7 October 1978_

_Sirius,_

_Received SOS STOP Cannot rescue STOP Must work that night STOP Deeply apologetic STOP Promise to make it up to you later STOP_

_Yours,  
Remus_

_P.S. My noble steed? Would that be you, oh spawn of the most NOBLE and Ancient house of Black? If so, I’d gladly mount you anytime._  
  
 **9 October 1978 3:50 pm**  
  
Just sent another note to Remus. Mentioned I noticed his PS and gave him carte blanche to jump me whenever he wants. Also, Lily decided to find Giselle to tell her that I’m gay. It turns out Giselle is a lesbian. She quite enjoys tits and vaginas. She just broke up with her girlfriend of three years and Paulette thinks I’m the cure for her homosexual friend. Hang on; I have to laugh for an hour or two.  
  
 **5:30 pm**  
  
Done laughing. Have also had a shower and a bite to eat. I’m supposed to be at Lily’s by 6:30, fully dressed and ready to go. We’re meeting at Paulette’s, small talk before dinner, then dinner, and then dancing. But the evening should prove hilarious as both Giselle and I are gay and have no intention of being otherwise. Especially not me, why would I want to do a silly thing like that when I have a randy ex-boyfriend looking to get back together? James is here. I had better get dressed and stop wandering about starkers.  
  
 **10 October 1978 2:30 am**  
  
Home from my “date.” Saw Remus tonight. In the loo. At his work. Proper sentences aren’t possible at the moment. I mumbled something about needing to whiz and damn he looked good. Next thing I knew the edge of the sink was digging into my back, Remus’ tongue was down my throat (to be fair my tongue was down his throat) and his hands were under my shirt. My hands had removed his shirt and were freely moving over his chest. There was some nipple-pinching and neck biting/licking. Then Remus had to go and regain his senses. He went to start his shift leaving James to retrieve me and my raging hard-on. And I’m still up, in all manner of speaking. He started it. No provocation from me and Remus was ready to go at it in the loo. God bless leather trousers.  
  
 **4:17 pm**  
  
Just got out of bed. I’ll work on the bike, then have a shower and start reviewing Giant and Russian. I really can’t wait for the full moon this time. Shagging, shagging, and more shagging. Well, if James and Peter won’t ruin it for us. Sex on Tuesday, yes! I have off Wednesday to “settle any personal affairs” before leaving on Thursday for our suicide mission spying on the Giants. I’ll be here to help Remus should he want me to help him.  
  
 **11 October 1978 12:45 pm**  
  
I have reached two conclusions: one, Avery and Rookwood have it in for me, and two, Remus thinks too much. The first thing I can’t do much about except tell Moody to which he’ll reply “Constant vigilance!” The second thing, well, I can’t do much about that either, except to reduce him to an unthinking blob of randiness. And then he’ll resent me for doing so. Sometimes it does one a wonder of good to NOT think or analyse. I discovered that by constantly trying to find an answer as to why my biological family is the way it is and why they hate me. It’s not rational; therefore, you cannot reason an answer. Ergo, it’s best not to think about that situation; it will only make one’s brain explode at best. Don’t ever second-guess happiness, unless it comes in pill form. But when you know you love someone, don’t make yourself crazy by doubting it or placing restrictions upon it. Reminds me of that Shakespeare bloke Moony’s mad over: “Love is not love when it alters when it alterations find/ It is an ever fixed mark…” or something along those lines. I need to remember that for tomorrow. Or I could just encourage him to finish what we started in the loo. A bit of both would be best.  
  
 _10 October 1978_

Sirius,

Sorry about losing control tonight. I’ll ~~come~~ arrive early tomorrow so we can talk.

Remus  
  
 **12 October 1978 12:25 pm**  
  
The clocks must be running behind today, all of them. It’s a conspiracy. Five o’clock cannot arrive soon enough. Then it’s home, supper, and full moon. I wonder if Remus will be waiting on me? James and Peter are due between 6:30 and 7:00 tonight. Please let Remus be waiting on me, that means there will be more time for sex. We’ll talk too, but I think we’ve said all that needs to be said in our letters. And I don’t care if we live together or not; I just want us to be together. We actually haven’t said “let’s get back together.” So, I am a bit nervous about that. Come on, the signs all point to yes; I don’t know why I’m worrying. You know, I don’t want him waiting on me. I need to eat something and figure out exactly what to say to him. And then sex, I suppose. Bugger. I feel like an utter idiot right now, like some silly, giggling girl.  
  
 **13 October 1978 2:38 pm**  
  
Remus is sleeping. In My Bed. That’s where I carried him after he transformed back. He wasn’t waiting on me when I got home, but he showed up soon after I finished supper. I confronted him; he caved. I kept my wits about me. Remus was ready to shag me on the sofa; I managed to fight him off and head for the bedroom when Peter arrived. So I redirected Remus and myself towards the bathroom. Make-up sex on the bathroom floor is bloody brilliant! Oh, I hear him stirring now; I best go and play nurse.  
  
 **14 October 1978 3:45 am**  
  
I am awake at this ungodly hour because I have to meet my team at 05:00 hours for departure: The Giant mission. No eleventh hour rescue from this disaster. Remus is sleeping in my bed. He stayed an extra day and night. I think that says it all. I love him. I think I’ve loved his forever, but only realised it a year ago. Or maybe I realised how much. Oh god I’ve gone soppy. It’s the hour, that’s what it is. I don’t want to go. I want to crawl back into my warm bed and curl up against Remus. I need to leave him a note before I go; I don’t want to wake him this early.  
  
 **27 October 1978 4:50 pm**  
  
I forgot to bring my journal along. I have returned home. I am under suspension. Fucking Rookwood and his lackey Avery. James and I were on lookout duty this morning. Rookwood had spotted an encampment and went to make contact yesterday. He still had not returned this morning. We were beginning to think the Giants had ground his bones to make bread (one can only hope) when James spotted him at a full, panicked run to the camp. So, I found Shacklebolt and told him that it looked as if Rookwood were in trouble. Travis gave the order to strike camp and apparate to the safe area in Moscow where we would regroup. By the time we got back to London, Rookwood had his whole scheme worked out to save his arse. As Rookwood was team leader, only he could give the order to retreat, forgetting that as second in command, Travis Shacklebolt could also give that command in his absence. So, then Avery said that I gave the order to strike camp, not Travis. There will be an investigation into the matter, which could take two weeks, two months, or two years to resolve. This underhanded, unethical shite really fucking pisses me off! I’m going to have a hot bath and then go out to a pub and get irrevocably sloshed.  
  
 **31 October 1978 (not sure of the time as I can’t find my watch)**  
  
Happy Halloween. I am in bed. I have enough strength to write today as I woke up yesterday and was able to eat in between passing out again. A merry gang of Death Eaters attacked me Wednesday night/Thursday morning. One I thought was Snivellus. Another one couldn’t have been whom I thought because he’s still at school. The other two, well, one sounded like Avery, but I was drunk at the time so I can’t recall events accurately. As it’s Sunday and his day off, Remus is playing nurse. I need help walking to the toilet. This is not fair! I feel like a fucking infant. Too weak to be really hacked off. And writing this entry has made me tired. Really. My hand wants to give out about now. I’d use a Dict-a-Quill, but I’m not allowed to do any magic, however simple, for two weeks. Bloody Healers, they think they know everything. I better be able to transform into Padfoot by the tenth. Not missing another full moon ever again. Feeling sleepy again. Maybe I ought to put my journal away before Remus scolds me. Remus. Remus. Remus. Wait a moment, Remus found me. Which means they moved me. They moved me near Remus’ work. Holy fuck, I was a message. Prongs had better put up some seriously strong wards at his place. Should make sure that the Evanses are protected as well. Right, laying down for a nap now.


	11. November

**1 November 1978 (where’s my bloody watch?)**  
  
Moody came by after breakfast and gave me a cane. As though I don’t feel quite helpless already… Maybe it will help me to keep my balance so I don’t fall down on my way to the toilet. I’m taking a restorative draught twice a day, but it’s not working fast enough. To top it off, Remus is in the study doing boring paperwork and leaving me to my own devices. I was almost fucking killed and he’s getting intimate with parchment! Leave it for a bleeding day or two! I’ve been completely emasculated; I need a boost to my ego…if I could get it up, that is… My body has betrayed me. Filthy, dirty, TRAITOR! Work for fuck’s sake! Rise up! Twitch! ANYTHING! Bollocks, I’ve gone completely mental… Maybe I should see if Mr. Cane will help me get to the kitchen without my falling down.  
  
 **2 November 1978 3:45 pm**  
  
I am mobile! Ha ha ha! The cane helps quite a bit. I spent yesterday afternoon helping Remus sort through notes and the transcription of them. At least I’m still able to fight the good fight in some way. My body is still betraying me, Bastard. I’ve got Remus all to myself all bloody day and I can’t do anything about it! And I hate being shut in no matter the company. I don’t like that I can’t do what I want, call it my inner spoiled, rich brat. To make matters worse, Remus is sleeping on the sofa and not in my bed. With me. What if I need something at four in the morning? It’s more convenient if both of us sleep in the same location because:  
  
1) I won’t have to yell.  
2) Remus won’t have to travel far to help me.  
3) Our combined body heat would be most helpful in speeding the healing process for my muscles.  
Therefore, it is only logical that Remus should be sharing a bed with me.  
  
 **3 November 1978 7:15 pm**  
  
He’s so bloody patronising! I can wash myself, thanks. I’m not an infant. If he wanted to turn it into something erotic, he should have joined me in the bath! Not that I can do much about it… Maybe I’m trying too much. I don’t care. I wish he would piss off and let me sulk in peace. I’m no use to anyone at this point. Sure I can hobble around with my cane; actually, I am becoming quite fancy with Mr. Cane, twirling it and such. I dropped the tea cups yesterday; I was put out by that. They just slipped out of my hands. The Healer is stopping in tomorrow to check on my progress. I wish my motor skills would make up their mind to stay.  
  
 **4 November 1978 5:40 pm**  
  
Ha ha ha! Guess what that marvellous Healer said? She said that I am recovering faster than any patient she’s had! Take that you molly-coddlers! So after Remus leaves for work, Peter and I will be practicing some simple spells. If I am recovering so effortlessly, certainly I should be able to bend that no magic for two weeks rule. I need to get back into shape. I even walked around this afternoon without the cane, and I raked some leaves while Remus was in the bath. Peter’s here; best not tell him what we’re doing until after Remus leaves.  
  
 **6 November 1978 3:20 am**  
  
Buggering fuck. I’ve been out cold since Thursday night. I hope Remus didn’t find the needles formerly known as matchsticks. I’ll never hear the end of it. Okay, the no magic rule makes sense now. I feel as though I just got over the flu. Damn it! I wanted to be able to transform next Wednesday. Remus is taking off the rest of that week. So maybe we can do other things to make up for my inability to do magic without passing out for days. It appears that the restorative draughts have helped with other matters… It LIVES! I’m going absolutely mental. To top it off, my suspension is still under review which does not help my mood. Shite. I heard Remus come in. I better look like I’m sleeping.  
  
 **10:22 am**  
  
Got a bit of a tongue-lashing from Remus, and not the pleasant kind. When he was done yelling at me, he started crying. I’ve never seen him cry before, must be due to the sleep deprivation he’s suffered of late. He’s sleeping next to me right now. James and Lily are here. Lily’s in the living room doing some Order work and James is aggravating her there. Well, when he’s not coming in here to torment me. “Lookie at Sirwius; snuggling with his wittle Moony.” When I get my full strength back, he’s going to get it. Or, I could just tell Remus what James has been saying. I am an evil genius. And I don’t snuggle. Evil geniuses DO NOT SNUGGLE!  
  
 **7 November 1978 11:04 am**  
  
Bloody wanker STOLE my bloody wand while I was sleeping!!!! I’m not talking to him until I get my wand back!  
  
 **12:30 pm**  
  
Still not talking to him. Even if it means I can’t season my food. Even if I have to eat unbuttered bread. I will suffer these minor inconveniences as long as it takes to get my wand back from that fucking thief!  
  
 **2:45 pm**  
  
Not talking to Remus had been so much easier while he was asleep. Now he’s awake and moving around the cottage. As it’s Sunday, he has today and tomorrow off. And he’s in an insufferably good mood. I want my wand back you Wanker!  
  
 **8:16 pm**  
  
Trying so very hard to remain angry with Remus. I am failing. Perhaps I should change tactics; I might get further if I make him feel guilty. Time to start sulking and sighing. Tomorrow, I pout.  
  
 **8 November 1978 12:20 pm**  
  
Again, he’s in an insufferably good mood. He’s ignoring my pouting and is making lunch in the kitchen. I’ve been banished to the living room. Oh, and he dressed his wittle Padfoot all snug and warm. I feel like a bloody child! I have no idea why he’s deriving pleasure from my humiliation and foul mood, nor why he’s in an incurable fit of good cheer, or why I’m allowing him to do this to me. Oh boy, oh boy; Mummy Remus says we can go play outside now.  
  
 **9 November 1978 10:30 pm**  
  
Remus is at work, Peter’s asleep on the sofa, and I’m bored. Oh yes, Remus and I had a lovely picnic yesterday. He drew a bit, we had a leaf war, and we sucked each other off… Quite a relaxing afternoon. Bored again. What I really want to do is pop by and surprise Remus, but I don’t want to get him into trouble with his employer as he is taking off the rest of the week. Maybe I’ll have a wank to pass the time…  
 **  
11 November 1978 11:35 am**  
  
Peter is a bloody prude and a fucking coward. Apparently Remus and I forgot to use a silencing charm so Peter heard us going at it yesterday. I don’t know how he’s ever going to procreate, and God help us all if he actually manages to do it. Anyway, Peter was so mortified by hearing Remus and I making love that he found James and told him. When James wouldn’t see his side of the argument (what argument? Who the fuck knows. Peter needs a therapist, perhaps a whole team of them) Peter decided not to help Prongs with Moony last night. The result is that Remus dislocated his shoulder because he threw himself against the cottage before moonset. James says that it didn’t look like Moony was hunting; therefore, Moony was trying to get to his mate. James got beat up a bit this morning; a few cuts and bruises that I helped heal before he went to work. Poppy is coming by to check on Remus. I didn’t want to reset his shoulder for fear of making it worse. I have had medical training, but I also have this frustrating habit of cocking things up worse than they are. It just seems that way with my suspension and everything. Thank god, Poppy’s here. I’ll go wake Remus.  
  
 **12 November 1978 11:40 am**  
  
Remus is feeling much better today, although he still looks tired. He needs these next few days off. I have to go into work at one this afternoon to hear the results of their investigation. Moody came by earlier to tell me not to worry. I don’t know now; I’m considering quitting the Aurors at this point; it’s not like I need the money. I just wanted to do some good, make up for people like my family. I haven’t heard from Andy in months. I’d better write to her and see what’s going on.  
  
 **5:50 pm**  
  
I’m not suspended. Rookwood has been shifted into a research department and Avery was let go. However, I have to take a re-entry exam on Monday. If I don’t pass, I have to go through the training again. I’m not spending another six weeks away from Remus.  
  
 **15 November 1978 3:45 pm**  
  
I had that exam this morning. I think I did quite well actually. They just tested my reflexes and my knowledge of potions and hexes. I suppose they needed to be certain that I could remember how to do my job. If I passed, I go back to work on Wednesday. Remus is off today, but he’s asleep now, trying to get himself back on the right sleep schedule. He goes back to work tomorrow night. We’ll have supper when he wakes up and maybe go for a night ride on the bike.  
  
 **18 November 1978 12:34 pm**  
  
Back at work. I have a meeting this afternoon with Barty Crouch, something about specialised training. As long as I’m able to go home at night, I don’t care. Remus had been waiting with supper when I got in last night. Then he came back after his shift had ended and stayed until I got up for work. He left then; he had to meet Moody somewhere. I wonder if Remus will be at the cottage tonight?  
  
 **4:25 pm**  
  
Merlin’s balls! They’re shipping me off again! This time it’s Egypt for two weeks. I’m training as a cursebreaker for two reasons: one, I learn ancient and obscure hexes and how to counteract them, and two, I get to snoop around the artefacts and make certain that Voldemort can’t get his slimy hands on them. At least it will be warm. Damn it! I don’t care if it is only for two weeks; it’s two weeks that I don’t want to spend away from Remus. I should be glad that I’ll be back for the full moon. Although, I haven’t tried turning into Padfoot yet. Maybe I ought to do that tonight.  
  
 **19 November 1978 12:40 pm**  
  
Feel like shite today. Managed to transform, but feel like I’ve just had the flu. Remus was waiting on me again and he came back after his shift. I’d like to know where he’s living now so I cam return the favour sometime. I told Travis that the reason why I’m a bit peaky is that I didn’t get much sleep last night. James overheard; Travis winked, said “say no more.” James piped in and said “dear, sweet Merlin say no more.” Travis looked a bit puzzled but attributed James’ outburst to his inherent oddness. James is going to Egypt as well; however, we won’t be training together. We can meet up in our free time. Let’s see if Remus is at the cottage tonight.  
  
 **21 November 1978 11:17 am**  
Remus was not waiting on me on Friday, but he did spend the night last night. I was asleep when he came in. When he wakes, I’ll tell him about this Egypt business. I leave on Monday next, November 29th through December 10th. Full moon is on the 10th, but I should be back about an hour before moonrise. Remus is going to love this.  
  
 **22 November 1978 12:40 pm**  
  
In training for the Egypt assignment this week. Remus is with one of Moody’s contacts today. I probably won’t see Remus until Sunday, unless I want to “pop by” while he’s working. His words, not mine. Except, I can’t have his undivided attention when he’s at work. There would be other distractions to amuse me… Remus doesn’t get jealous, per se, he’s just territorial at times.  
  
 **25 November 1978 12:43 pm**  
  
A triumphant symphony sounds in my head. I decided to “pop by” last night. Finally had sex in a public toilet. Technically it was the employee’s loo, but who cares? Apparently I’m not allowed to have too good a time by myself if Remus is watching. Right, I was ready to punch this one bloke who grabbed my arse, twice. I don’t care if I was flirting with anything that moved; still doesn’t mean people have the right to fondle my bits. I suppose I ought to thank Sir Gropes a Lot. If it weren’t for him, I would not have had sex with Remus in a somewhat public place. More training this afternoon with Gringotts Goblins. Some of the Aurors weren’t happy about that, but I am. It’s odd, the perverse pleasure I get imagining my mother’s face if she knew a Black took orders from a Goblin. James just reminded me that I need to get my arse back to work; lunch is over.  
  
 **29 November 1978 7:10 pm**  
  
First day in Egypt and it wasn’t so bad. I met the Cursebreakers I’ll be working with and they took me around one of the pyramids. James and I are staying at the Emerald Sphinx. The rooms aren’t much, just a bed and a dresser, but they have private baths. It costs 5 knuts to make a floo call. Highway robbery. However, as this mission is not classified, I can send and receive post.


End file.
